Saying Goodbye

I am so glad that I started a blog a year and a half ago. I debated it for a while then jumped in. It was the best thing I have ever done to help me get through the hardest years of my life. The support I received from people whom I didn't even know awe struck me and left me in tears at times. It felt so wonderful. I will never forget it.
And it was so great to see the ups and downs of others going through the same challenges. It felt good to encourage those who had yet another failed cycle and to rejoice with rising betas!
Since my miracle was born my life has centered around him, and finding the time to blog is next to impossible. I have decided to stop blogging for now. I will miss you all much and maybe I will start it up again as I can.
Please know I still am praying for those of you who still desire a baby. I am so grateful for my miracle and desperately hope you can experience the same joy that I have with my son.
God bless you!

Baby Update

I know it's been a while since my last post. It is difficult to get the time to do it these days. It seems every time I do something like eat or take a shower, he knows and fusses and cries, especially lately. I hear around this time, 6 weeks, is the hardest as far as being fussy. I wouldn't say he is colicky though. I can usually calm him. Can't wait until it ends!
Despite that, it really has been wonderful being a mom. He recently started to smile, which is so rewarding. I can't wait to see his personality really come out. My days are filled with feeding, changing diapers and rocking him and I still love being a mom. I knew I would. It just feels right, like it always was. And the sick thing is despite hating being pregnant and my hard labor and delivery and the hard days of taking care of a newborn, I am already thinking of having another one. I wish I knew if conceiving would be just as hard as the first time. I would probably start a little earlier, knowing it might take some time to happen. I had to talk with the OB about birth control at my appointment, and it was so weird to think about it. It hasn't been on my mind for years now.
She gave me the OK to start dieting, but she said to take it easy. So I am laying off all the extra junk. It is hard since my appetite is huge while I am breastfeeding. I am also walking almost daily with Jaden, he loves it outside and the exercise is good for me. I am feeling stronger now which is great. I hope I can lose this extra baby weight soon. I don't like it!

He's Here Finally!

Sorry for not posting lately, life has different priorities recently! Let me share my birth story and gush about my cute little boy! Born July 28 at 1:17 am. 10 lbs 9 oz, 20.5 inches.

The week before the real labor, I went into labor 5 times and it stopped. Why, I am not sure, maybe because he was a large baby. Towards the end I had to stop working because I kept going into labor and I was in too much pain after work (now I know it was because he was a big boy!) It got so frustrating, the last couple times it started, I cried because it was just hard to think of going into labor for several hours and have it come to nothing.
The day we went to the hospital, it started like it always did, and my husband almost went to work because I have had so many false alarms and he had lost so many hours at work, and being self employed, that's lost money. Almost right after we made the decision for him to go to work, the labor really got intense. We still didn't believe it was the real thing but they got intense enough that I needed him to stay and help me through it whether it was real or not. Eventually they were very intense and regular enough that it brought us to the hospital. Our doula met us there after we got there. They continued to stay intense and regular and were getting worse and after several hours we were finally convinced it was the real thing. I labored naturally without any medications for pain. I used tools we learned to manage the pain and I even got in the shower, which felt awesome.
I got to the point of where I wasn't dilating anymore past 6 cm and we decided to let the MD break my water to move things along. I was told by the RN that my contractions would space out but be more intense (which was hard to believe it could get worse!) I was contracting every 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Well once the water was broken they didn't space out, but they did get WAY more increasingly intense. I have never felt pain like that before. But I was determined to have this baby naturally, for my son's sake.
Towards the time where it was time to push, I finally thought I couldn't take the pain anymore. The tools I was using wasn't working and I couldn't get on top of the pain anymore. I begged for something to help me through the contractions. My doula was so reassuring, telling me I was handed a hard labor and it's OK, but let's check and see how far along I am. The RN agreed I should do that too and she checked me and I was 9.5 cm! I couldn't believe it, it seemed to happen pretty quick. She asked me to push and see if the last of the cervix would go away and it did. So we got serious with pushing.
Little did I know he was coming down sideways and how big he was. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and the last hour of pushing, he wasn't budging. I was so exhausted and in so much pain. The doctor came in and tried to get the baby to come down, but he wasn't moving, and she said that I needed a C-section. That was really hard to hear. I was angry but relieved at the same time. It was a solution, it was an end in sight. After the decision was made, it was a weird place to be in. My body was still giving very strong contractions and the urge to push did not go away. So I kept pushing, even though I knew it wouldn't lead to anything. They finally wheeled me into the OR and I had to continue to push while they started a new IV, because the other wasn't working. That was really hard. I couldn't wait for the spinal, and to get some relief. Finally it was in and my body finally was relaxed, and I was able to open my eyes and let it sink in that I am in the OR having a C-section. But I was mostly just excited to know that I will meet my beautiful boy in a matter of minutes. They let JJ in and I was able to be with him and share the excitement.
Then I heard a collective "WOW!" and "he's a toddler! What a big baby!" The doctor said there is no way I would have been able to push him out. And looking at his head, it was true. You could tell by the swelling and bruising of his head that was on the side of his head that between him not coming down straight on and his size he wasn't going to come out vaginally.
It has been a long, hard recovery and I am realizing that it is going to take awhile to heal completely. I am sore from pushing, and from the incision and the fact that I pushed him down so far means I have some vaginal pain too (the doctor actually had to push him back up to get him out!).
I am also mourning the fact that I didn't have my ideal birth. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that we did all that preparing and I did all that painful laboring for nothing. I wish I knew what the outcome was going to be, it would have been so much easier! I am still proud of the fact that I did what I wanted to do for my son. And in the end he didn't get exposed to as many drugs as he would have if I had gotten an epidural. But going through all that, I can honestly say (and told my doctor this too) that I will never do that again. I think it will be repeat C-section for me if God blesses us with another baby. That was traumatic and I never want to go through it again, knowing the chances of me having a hard labor with a big baby is great.
In the end, I am totally in love with our little one. He is very cute and is a good baby. He looks so much like my husband (which is reassuring since I was having bad dreams they used the wrong sperm!) There are many times I hold my son and it hits me--I am a mom now, my dreams have come true. God has blessed us, and all of that waiting was very worth it. I am so grateful, it is overwhelming. We have named him Jaden, meaning "God has heard, thankfulness to God". He will be dedicated to Him Aug. 29. We pray he does mighty things for God. He is so good!

Pain

It is 3:30 AM and I am awake, blowing my nose (I have a cold!) and having pain in what seems like everywhere. I now know what it must be like to have arthritis. My joints ache, especially my hips, back and wrists and fingers. (And now I have carpel tunnel that makes my hands go numb!) I dread getting up from anywhere because I know it's going to hurt, especially in the middle of the night. Tylenol only goes so far, unfortunately. I am praying this baby comes tomorrow because it's just getting worse, and I'm not sure that I can stand it much longer.
Yesterday I called my boss to let her know that I was going to take maternity leave starting today. Last time I worked I was in so much pain when I got home and was exhausted. My last OB checkup revealed I was already 5 cm dilated. Between work being miserable and being so close to delivery, I figured it might be best to stop working. I don't want to go into labor at work or after when I am exhausted. This will not make for a good labor and delivery.
It's nice to know that I am dilated this far. I knew those bouts of false labor (3 total so far!) were doing something. I am already halfway there. This makes me happy and a little scared he is going to come too quick, like at home or something. I have been reassured this won't happen, but they can't know that for sure. I'm not sure I will believe I'm in true labor until he is coming out!
I just want this kid out now! It's amazing how much a baby takes over your body, and I want it back!

False Hope

Yesterday I believed I was in early labor. That is what I was told, and what the signs said. But it left, fizzled out, stopped. I am so disappointed! I am so ready to have this kid. I have been having a really hard time being comfortable at night when I am trying to sleep and just a lot of pain in my joints (I think because of the extra water).
I didn't sleep very good the night before. And on Sunday I just wasn't feeling quite myself and was feeling a little extra pressure "down there". After church we went to lunch and I had some spicy buffalo wings (in hopes of bringing on labor in fact!) As lunch went on I got more uncomfortable with more pressure. As we walked to the car, I almost felt like he was going to fall out and (TMI!) like I had to have a huge BM! We were about halfway home when I got so uncomfortable I didn't want to sit anymore and the pressure just kept on building. I called a friend, and she thought I might be starting into labor.
When we got home within about a half hour I started contracting and then they became regular and pretty quick in coming. We started timing them and were shocked to find them about 2 minutes apart. They hadn't really been painful, so that was making me confused as to what it was. I called my doula and she was equally puzzled. She suggested that I try to nap, so I laid down and tried, but I was unable to snooze. They slowed a bit and became irregular when I laid down initially, but returned to every 2 minutes after about 20 minutes. So at that point I was convinced this was the real thing. I called my doctor to get her thoughts on what to do and what she thought it was and she believed me to be in early labor, but wanted me to stay home until the contractions got really painful. That never really happened. I did start to have some vaginal and back pain, but it never got very painful where I couldn't walk through them or anything. All the while I was trying to get some sleep, which wasn't really happening.
Eventually I was able to fall asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I realized that the contractions were much less intense and not coming regularly anymore. I was unable to sleep anymore after that timing them again and trying to figure out what was happening. After a while they just fizzled out, almost stopping completely.
I was so shocked that this didn't turn into real labor. I am disappointed and embarrassed. We called so many people, and now we are all disappointed. My mood today has been pretty depressed, but I am working through it and feeling better already. I have to remind myself of my prayer that the baby comes when he is ready. I just know that I am ready for sure. It's just hard to come down off that high of possibly meeting our little one soon!
I go to the doctor tomorrow and we will see if this fiasco made anymore cervical change, which I am hoping all that work did something! And if so, will lead to a shorter labor when the real thing comes!

Signs

Lately I have had some signs that this baby is coming soon, and it's freaking me out! We aren't ready! Everyone told me I would probably go late because it was my first, and that is what they typically do. But just this past week, I have "dropped", I am 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced, and yesterday I think I lost my mucus plug (I hate that word-sounds so yuck, which it was!) I think this means that I am dilating more!

The problem is JJ and I haven't finished our birthing/coaching book (he's been out of town a lot lately) and unfortunately our doula we hired lost her husband unexpectedly last week. So I'm not sure where that leaves us with her. I would really like her to still attend our birth, but I'm not sure where she stands on that, and I want to be sensitive to her situation, but this weighs heavily on my mind. If I knew he wasn't going to come for another few weeks, I would be more chill about it, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I packed my bag (as much as I could) this evening after I lost the plug. I figured it might be smart to do that! We also did more work in our Bradley Method Childbirth book. We are almost done! We just need to practice more too. If this baby could just hold on for another 2 weeks or so, I would be happy and feel a lot more prepared. We will see!

Our Promise Child

As this pregnancy is coming to an end, my memories of all the dreams and wishes of this wonderment are flooding my mind. JJ and I recently celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been that long already. It really flew by looking back. We have been through so much (half of our marriage was TTC), and we are still so totally in love, it's hard to believe sometimes.

We went to Maui on our honeymoon, which was pure heaven. I would love to go back sometime. One night we just laid on the beach together, looking at the stars and dreaming of our future together. I remember laying there looking up at the stars and praying for babies, for a family with my husband. Then I saw the most amazing shooting star go across the heavens. It sent chills down my spine. I knew it was a sign from God that it would happen. It made me cry. That has happened 2 more times in my life. I can't call that a coincidence.
There were times when I forgot about that, when I was so engrossed in how treatments weren't working, how it looked like an impossibility. I remember a time when I was convinced it actually wasn't going to happen. I took everything I had that reminded me of God's promise and literally destroyed it in a crying rage. I made it into nothing with my bare hands. Everything on the outside literal world showed me signs it wasn't going to happen, and my faith couldn't carry me that day. I lost it.

I somehow found it again and continued. And look where we are now. 35 weeks pregnant with our promise--our little boy about to enter the world. As I feel him inside me, it is still hard to believe sometimes. GOD IS SO GOOD! I hated hearing "All in God's timing". Sometimes I still hate hearing that, but it was also my prayer, as hard as it was praying it. I wanted him to come when he was supposed to come in history. I am praying he is a strong man of God and that he continues to be a fulfillment of prophesy and promise in his life. I can't wait to see him and hold him and talk to him and be with him. It will be a dream come true.

The Nursery is Done!

Thanks to my parents coming over and helping me finish, the nursery is finally done. It was something that was really weighing on my mind, and I called my mom yesterday freaking out about how much I had to do yet, and couldn't do much around the house because of these dumb contractions I am having. So her and my dad came over and helped finish the nursery and clean, and I am so grateful. It is a huge weight lifted. I can honestly say that I am ready for him to come now, which is really exciting. But don't come yet!

Big Baby Maybe

So I went into the OB's and of course they measured me as usual and I was measuring at 38 cm--5 weeks ahead of where I am! This of course, freaked me out. I am not interested in trying to push a 10 lb. baby out of me. The last couple weeks I have been feeling quite big. When I read the updates on babycenter.com I have been feeling like the baby is bigger than what they have been saying it is. Now I may have confirmation of that! My OB suggested an US next week to check the size. We shall see what that reveals. The problem is that those are notoriously inaccurate, especially the closer to the due date you get. It will be nice to see him again anyway. My only consolation right now is some friends telling me they measured big too and had normal sized babies. I am riding on that hope right now!

Baby Shower

Had my shower last week, and it was wonderful. It went way too fast. I felt so blessed from everybody when I was opening the gifts. So many wonderful things! He is going to be spoiled! (Love that!)
Before the shower, I was getting anxious about how we didn't have anything and I felt so unready for the baby. I knew in my mind that I was going to have the shower, but there was this pull that would nag at me saying, "You aren't ready for the baby to come! What are you going to do?!!!" That feeling is much less now. Even though I have 2 more months to go, I feel like I need to have everything ready to the tee for some reason. Is this nesting? Whatever it is, it is quite strong. Amazing what instinct can do.
It was such a weird thing to attend a baby shower, and for it to be mine. The last couple of years, it has been difficult to attend baby showers for me. I just couldn't do it. It would hurt too much for me to see all that baby stuff (stuff that I wanted). I couldn't even shop in the baby section, so I couldn't get a gift either. This made me feel bad, but I also knew that I needed to do it for me, to avoid all the emotion wrapped up in it (and to avoid a panic attack!) It was wonderful that the first shower I could attend again was my own, and that I could enjoy it to the fullest. Praise God for answered prayer!
Enjoy some pics from the shower. It was great, and my family did such a wonderful job.

Contractions

I thought maybe I could get through this pregnancy without any complications, but alas, I was wrong. I was at work the other day and it happened to be a little stressful at the time and I couldn't really take a full lunch break (welcome to my work life) and I started to get some contractions. I have been having them on and off for weeks now, but nothing out of the ordinary Braxton-Hicks. They never lasted more than 30 seconds or so. But then I got a strong one that wouldn't go away. This freaked me out a bit. I laid down for 15 minutes (which was really hard to do with all the things I needed to do at the time, but I thought I have to put my baby before my patients-total mind trip) and it went away almost right away when I laid down. Then I got up and it returned. So I called my doc and she wanted me to go to L&D for a non-stress test. When she came and talked to me, she said she may have to give me some medication to stop the contractions, but they stopped on their own. She sent me home with instructions to keep my feet up until I have to work in 2 days.
Two days later I went to work and I started having contractions pretty often, so back to L&D I go. I was wheeled into the high risk OB and that made me start to cry. I realized this might be something more that we are looking for. They did an US of my cervix to measure the length and praise God it was nice and long. These contractions were not changing my cervix. So I was advised to change my work schedule from 12 hour shifts to 8 hour shifts and they said if they started to become regular and with a pattern I could follow, then I need to let them know. I will have to see the OB weekly now and take it easy on my day offs.
I have decided that I am not going to freak out about this and view it as my uterus getting strong for the work ahead, and maybe it will equal a shorter labor, and I'm all for that! I just have to listen to my body and drink lots of water. It has been hard to stop doing a lot at home, but I find if I'm not taking it easy, they return pretty frequently. So I have to rely on JJ for a lot of things and that can be difficult. I can't believe this baby is already slowing me down, but I guess I better get used to it!

Our Common Thread

It's amazing to me how open I am about my infertility sometimes. But I am so glad sometimes that I pipe up about it and share my struggles. Even being pregnant, I still have opportunities to share what I went through. Today I had a patient who was asking about my pregnancy and I shared about our struggles to get this blessing and she opened up about her DIL who was having problems. She has had 3 miscarriages already and is afraid of her chances dwindling because of her age. I was shocked to see the pain and concern on my patient's face as she shared how hard it has been for her DIL. I guess family members share in the pain too. I never thought of that before. I felt the freedom to share how hard it is when you want a baby so bad and it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant around you and the pain that you feel when that's happening. Even with my baby kicking inside me, I felt that pain again. I felt it for her and her DIL and I wanted to take it away because I know it, and I don't want anyone else to know it. I want them to know the joy of expecting a miracle. I will pray she gets her miracle, as we have.

The Doula Dilemma

I have been researching having a natural birth for years now. I just have been drawn to the fact that women for thousands of years have been giving birth, and their bodies are specifically designed for that purpose and who are we to interfere with that unless absolutely necessary? But now that I am faced with the prospect of having to actually deliver this human out of my body, the thought freaks me out a bit. I think its because the only exposure to it was in school and TV, and those weren't the type of experiences that I want to have. I recently have found testimonials of women who have had wonderful natural birth experiences, some of whom have had actual orgasms during birth. My question is-how is that possible? How can a woman go through what traditionally has been the most pain a woman ever goes through, but yet have these amazing feelings and feel totally fulfilled? That's what I want-a birth experience that is calm, fulfilling and joyous. I don't ever want to say, "I don't ever want to go through that again."

I am not pretending like it won't hurt. I am pretty sure it will. But what can I do to help my body do what it is supposed to do and increase those natural pain killers my body can make? I don't know. I want to know. There are so many options out there, but I don't know which will be right for me. Lamaze, Bradley method, hypnobirth? This causes some anxiety to say the least. Will I pick the right one, and will it work?
I have decided that I want to hire a doula, a birthing coach. She is right next to you during your labor and delivery and she helps you reach your goal of unmedicated birth with tips, labor coping methods, and coaching both the mother and father. I know full well that my doctor and my nurse will not be there the whole time, and I want that support with me because I want an unmedicated birth and frankly these days, that is not supported so much. With a doula though, it is supported and they will be my advocate in the labor room to which I am stuck giving birth in (insurance won't cover any other kind or any other hospital.)

I have been interviewing doulas in my area and decided it is definitely the route I want to take. I just have to come up with the money for it somehow. The most expensive one is $800 just for the doula services, not to mention the childbirth class that is $350. Ouch. But I think it will be worth it to have the birth experience I am after. I just have to find the right one that will fit our budget and personalities. I am definitely praying about this, praying for wisdom and that God shows me the right woman for the job. I am also praying that the baby comes when they are available (all of them interviewed are going on vacation within 2 weeks of my due date!!! That's a little unnerving!) Maybe you can pray too?

Nursery Update

These are the wall hangings I am going to put up in the room. Aren't they so cute? They make me smile, and I love decorating with that goal in mind! I just found some large safari animal appliques for the wall too that are going to top it off I think. (Not happy about the $9 of shipping I had to pay for it though! Jeesh, it's not even heavy!)
JJ spent a lot of time the other day clearing out the room, and my worry about the room not being done vanished in one night. I was really grateful. It looks so much bigger now! I decided I wanted the crib on the opposite side of the door so I can peek in on him without opening the door more than a crack. We will keep the bookshelves in there too since we have nowhere else to put them and they aren't too much in the way. I spent some time in there today dusting and vacuuming, as well as putting the swing together. That made me feel like we are really getting ready for him now, where as before it was just clearing things out. Now we have to get the glider from our friend's place. They were storing it for us until we made room. My sister is lending us some of those wonderful items, and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that! It makes me cry to think of it-some of this stuff is so expensive!
There are real moments that I can't believe that I am actually decorating a nursery or researching vaccines or breast pumps! It really hits me when he gives me a good kick-I AM PREGNANT. It's not just that I am dreaming it, it is a reality. By the grace of God, I am going to have a son. I am so grateful and humbled for this gift. I can't wait to meet him.

The Nursery

I have less than 100 days to go!! I can't believe it! It has gone by fast. There have been some days that seem like forever, but overall I can't believe I only have 3 months to go.
This is making me nervous that we don't have the nursery ready, and I feel like we aren't close. There isn't much more I can do. JJ needs to get his desk emptied and switched to our other desk. He recently has been getting more work, which is good for the finances, but not good for the things that need to get done around the house! I really want the nursery done before the shower in a month.
I think I have finally decided for certain to stay with our safari theme for the nursery. I found some wall hangings that are baby safari animals which are so cute. So I set out to find bedding which would match. I found one, but wasn't certain until I spent hours looking for something else, but nothing else stood out for me.
What do you think?

What IF?

Project IF

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=evt_niaw10_whatif

What if this pregnancy doesn’t take?
What if I am a bad parent after all we tried to become one? What if I am judged more by others because we wanted it so bad?
What if I have to do treatments again–what if I don’t want to?
What if I can’t conceive a sibling for my son, what if it’s harder the second time around? What if I don’t have the strength to do it again?
What if my son asks how he came about, can I tell him the truth, and what will it mean for him? What if he thinks he isn’t as special because he was conceived with a syringe?
What if everything works out OK?

Update!

This baby has been moving like crazy. He kicked me so hard yesterday that it moved my body! Nobody told me that was going to happen. It was amazing and shocking! It brings tears to my eyes sometimes when I feel him in there. It's like he's communicating with me, telling me he's OK and doing good. It is so reassuring. This morning I was in a lot of hip pain and I felt him move and it just hit me: this is a small price to pay to bring a healthy strong boy into our family. Not to say that this pain is any easier. Today was the most painful it has ever been, it is really surprising. It is making me waddle, and it is embarrassing. I feel like I shouldn't be waddling yet, I'm not big enough. But the pain made me waddle! It's all so crazy!
Last night JJ and I went out on a date, and it was so nice to just sit together and focus on each other and have some fun. I realized that we may not have that opportunity as much when the baby comes. I hope that we can make it a priority to make each other the most important person to each other. We definitely want to make sure that happens.
We still can't make up our minds on a name. I am not sure if we will know until we meet him. The list is getting bigger, with no winners yet. People certainly have their own strong opinions about it. Even if we make a decision, I don't think we will share what his name is until he is born. That way it's his name, and no one can say anything about it. So there!

Shocked

I had my ultrasound today and was totally shocked to find out it was a boy!!! I thought for sure it was a girl! It is still sinking in, and I think that it will take some time to get used to. I had such vivid dreams that it was a girl, so seeing it was a boy was really shocking. But most of all we got good news that everything looks good. Measurements are right on target and all the organs look good. I am so grateful and it is such a load off to know that everything looks good-praise God!
I am a little uneasy about the amount of weight I have put on in this trimester already. I gained no weight in the first, then all of the sudden (I think because I feel like eating again!) I have put on 12 lbs! I think in the long run that is OK, but it is just scary how easily it came on. I am hoping it slows down a little now!

Ultrasound Worries

So I am having my US this Thursday. I am excited but the last couple of days I have started to worry about them finding something that isn't going to be good. I kept picturing a happy day, but the reality is that they may find defects or something wrong with the baby. That would make me sad, and it would change the excitement of finding out if this is a boy or girl. But I already feel this baby is ours, and we love him or her so much already, no matter what. Whatever comes, God is in control and knows exactly what is going on and He is the One who has given us this miracle baby. No matter what, we will love this baby entirely. I know God tells us to "worry for nothing", so I will certainly try!
I have been feeling the baby move more and more and it is exciting. Knowing that something really is inside me and growing and reacting to me and JJ is wonderful. I have waited so long for this, and it is still unbelievable to me. When you wait for so long for a dream to come true, and then it happens, sometimes it is hard to believe it is actually happening. I really can't wait until the delivery day when we meet this little one; to see what s/he looks like, sounds like, smells like. I think I will be pinching myself all day making sure I am not dreaming!
I pray every woman who desires that too gets to experience it!

Making Room

Lately I have been tackling the bedroom that will be the nursery, trying to pare down all the stuff that we have. It is amazing what you can accumulate over the years, and what you feel like you need to hold on to. It's hard to tell what kind of room we will need for this little one without having any reference point. I still can't believe all the stuff that is needed for an eight pound human.

I would really like to have the room ready for everything for the shower which will be in May. I don't want to have to deal with sifting through all the wonderful gifts and worrying about where I am going to put it all. I just want to be able to set everything up and put everything away right away. I don't know why, but I have the feeling like I need to get it all ready soon, but I am only halfway through the pregnancy!!! Crazy.

I finally am feeling good enough to get back to the prenatal yoga. It felt really good. All the stretching and poses really helped my body feel better. It didn't do much for me in the beginning of the pregnancy, but now I understand the poses and how they can really help now that I am bigger. I just have to remember to actually do it now!

Shaky Ground-Dealing with Anxiety

I don't think I have shared this before, but I have an anxiety/panic disorder. It is hard for me to admit because it is hard for me to believe sometimes. I was told for years that I have epilepsy. I mean YEARS-7 to be exact. This diagnosis was from at least 3 different doctors. So imagine my surprise when I ended up at Mayo Clinic and they said, no it's not epilepsy, it is psychological. At that point I was suffering so much, I was willing to accept whatever they thought it might be in order to get some help. I saw the psychiatrist and she said it was pseudoseizures, anxiety disorders, a panic attack. In other words, this is how my body responds to stress and anxiety-it shakes and twitches. So much so several doctors thought it was epilepsy.

When did it reach it's peak? When I knew I was infertile. When I knew the "old fashioned way" was not how I was going to get pregnant. Did I realize this at the time? No. I just knew I wanted a baby, even if my body was doing these funny things. There were times I was being taken down the stairs by paramedics, shaking like a leaf, and wondering and hoping if I was going to get pregnant this cycle. As I type this, it sounds sick and twisted that I would even think of getting pregnant in that state. But that's how bad I wanted it. Amazing.

Since then I have gotten much better. I think just knowing that it is somewhat under my control has been empowering. Knowing it is just anxiety. But this doesn't make it any easier when it still happens. It doesn't happen as severely, but it still happens, and it still effects my life. As I write this, it is late and I am not sleeping. My twitches have kept me awake, and this makes me cry. It is frustrating. And the funny thing is I just saw my doctor and told her I haven't felt this good in years. I have been sleeping well lately (this is part of my problem, SLEEP!), and a lot of my symptoms have decreased. Now my body is making me a liar!

For as much as I have gone through, I am grateful for what my recovery has brought me. I have learned to listen to my body. To make myself a priority--this one has been tough. My profession demands that I make others a priority, and so does my religion to tell the truth. So when I make sure that I have done what I need to do for myself at the sake of others, this sometimes makes me feel bad. But I am getting better at this. I have learned how to do things to decrease stress in my life. That wasn't easy when I was trying to get pregnant. I had to find other ways to release my stress, and this is still something that I am working on. Exercise certainly helps. Prayer helps. Positive thoughts help.

How do you release stress and anxiety?

Guilty

What is it like to be an Infertle who is pregnant? I have often wondered that. Is it any different than someone who didn't struggle with infertility? I often thought they would have more joy and be more excited than the other.
But I am struggling with feelings of guilt over this pregnancy. It almost makes me feel better about some of the joy I feel, like I am supposed to feel guilty for getting pregnant successfully and on the first try of IUI. I am totally ecstatic about it, but then I feel bad that I have those feelings when I know so many out there are still struggling. My growing belly (and the comments about it) make me want to hide it sometimes and ask that people not comment, like I don't deserve this kind of a thing. I really don't. Who does? Who deserves to be a parent? It is a privilege that some don't understand. I know it can be hard, but when you don't have it, you know what a blessing it is.
Have I gotten used to feeling frustrated, terrified, sad and ill--the rotten things infertility brought to my life? Am I used the emotional rollercoaster that makes me feel like I have to feel the opposite emotion right on the heels of elation? Do I know what to do, now that all I feel is joy, peace, health? I haven't known that for so long.

I think this is just evil thoughts and I should just pray for the joy of this pregnancy to come over me. That has been my prayer in the last day. I want to feel good things about this pregnancy and not feel guilty about those feelings. God has given me this miracle, and He knows what is best in my life and everyone else's, and when those that are trying should receive what I have.

So now that I am really feeling this baby move, I should rejoice! I should smile and not feel bad about that smile. I should enjoy everything I am feeling because that is what God wants me to do--enjoy the blessing!

The Economy Hits Hard (and doesn't play fair)

My boss dropped a bomb shell on all of us recently. She is pretty much being forced to interview for a new position as manager of another floor in the hospital. This was quite devastating to all of us. She is probably the best boss I have ever had, and we all love her. She is hard-working, very visible and approachable. She has been so understanding through my infertility, it makes me cry just thinking about it. She is such a huge part of our floor, it is going to be weird without her.
They are asking her because we have been having some major budget issues. I didn't think the economy would be much of a problem in a hospital, but it really is, and it is way worse than I thought. Scary worse. Like I am wondering what they are going to do with my job. There is talk of "cross-training" and "redistribution". Words that make my skin crawl. I have always been an Intensive Care RN, and at this point, I think I always will be. It is such a huge part of who I am, I couldn't imagine doing anything else. And when someone talks about training me to work somewhere else "just in case" it makes me want to run.
I can't help but wonder if they are going to close our unit, or combine it with another. Then what would all of us nurses do? That would be too many nurses for one floor. That's where the "redistribution" would come into play, I would imagine. Yuck. What a freaky thing for me, worrying about my job. I NEVER thought I would ever have to worry about that. We are short one million nurses in this country and I am worried about job security. Something is wrong with that.
Do I look for another job, being 18 weeks pregnant? And if I interview do I tell them? Is it worth giving up the built up time I have in place for maternity leave, which right now is about 3 weeks (not much)? I am totally at a loss. This is so weird.

Long Overdue Update

I think I am officially a bad blogger as of late. I literally have forgotten, just like a lot of things lately. This has been very frustrating! The pregnancy brain has set in. But I have to say that it isn't as bad as I have heard it could be. (Or maybe it is, and no one is telling me!) I apologize! I will try to be better!
I am officially 15 weeks, going on 16 now, and I am finally feeling close to this baby. I think it has helped that I have started to dream about the baby, and most are pretty nice. It has given me that feeling of how it might be to be a mother, and that's been pretty great.
I have been struggling with debilitating headaches, which are getting better thanks to my chiropractor, I think. I wasn't sure why they started (of course I wanted to know why! Just the hormones, sinus congestion, stress, extra weight on my front half?) and I still don't know for sure, but if seeing her is helping, it is probably stress and how heavy my front half has become. It started heavy, and it got even heavier. I am praying that the growth has completely stopped now, because I can't find too many more bras in this size! And for those of you who think this is a nice thing to have, think again! It is possible to be too big! So I am grateful those headaches are better. I haven't had to take anything for about a week now, which is great. I was taking Tylenol with Codeine for a couple weeks, it was that bad.
I also am experiencing sinus congestion, and now I am battling a cold. It seems that between the weakened state of my immune system that pregnancy brings and the constant congestion I have, anyone with a cold around me, I seem to pick up. This does not bode well for the sick/vacation bank I am trying to build up for maternity leave!
I have to say overall, I am feeling better being in my second trimester. The nausea is almost completely gone, and my appetite is returning somewhat. I still have not gained any weight, which was concerning me, but my doc says it's OK, it will come. But the belly is growing, which is exciting for me. About a week ago, I put a lot of my pre-pregnancy clothes in the corner in my closet. I was sick of trying on those pants, and crying because they didn't fit. I tried the belly band with the hair band for a while, but that just got uncomfortable. So I am mostly in maternity pants now, and so much more comfortable, which is what matters to me right now.
I am going to start my registry on Thursday too. I was a little worried it was too early, but it will give me some time to tweak it before the shower. I am getting excited for it now. I just hope it isn't too daunting with all those products. I will definitely have my "Baby Bargains" book in hand!

Big Decisions

Well, looks like my thyroid is OK. I had to get some more testing done, and all of that looks good. I have yet to hear this from my doctor, but I looked at the results at work the other day, and everything is normal. Just a fluke of pregnancy. What a relief! I really was not interested in taking another medication, or having to go to another doctor. I am so done with the doctors. I have seen way too many of them in the last year and a half. I am so grateful for them, but I am done being poked and prodded.
I think that may be one of the major reasons why giving birth in a hospital is totally turning me off. I am a person who likes to be in control, and you really don't have any control when you walk into a hospital to give birth. Yes, I know the birthing process is very much something that happens on its own, but I would like to think that I can have a say in how I would like things to happen. Whether it happens or not, is up to God, of course. When you go into a hospital, you are now in their world. What they say goes, and if you don't do it that way, you are labeled the problem patient (I know this because I am a nurse!)
Several things about typical hospital births bother me: 1) You are not allowed to eat. This is the most ridiculous one. I understand their thinking behind this, but the chances of aspiration during a C-section is quite low. But if it happens, there is a chance of a lawsuit, so here come the rules. This is like asking someone to run a marathon without eating in the last 12-16 hours. 2) There is the expectation that you will be laboring in bed attached to a fetal monitor, since this is the norm for most. I can't imagine not being able to move around when I like. Do I think the baby should be checked on? Absolutely. Does it have to be the majority of the time? No. 3) I have read the benefits of not clamping the cord right away, and this is also standard practice in a hospital. Can I request it to be delayed, most likely yes. But humans are creatures of habit, and I don't trust this will really happen.
There are many other things I am concerned about like wanting to keep the baby in my arms and nurse right away after delivery, etc. that keep weighing on my mind. But I go back and forth. JJ wants a hospital birth, "in case". And I am always considering the "in case" situations. I have seen them with my own eyes in school. But those complications also happened after interventions were done to the mother such as an epidural and pitocin. Looking at the research, births done with midwives are notoriously safe and have better outcomes than with MD's. BUT, MD's also take on high risk patients (more potential for things going wrong). Midwives do not.
The ideal for me would be a birthing center in a hospital, but the state if Illinois has none of those yet. It seems that those are still a dream after recent legislation allowed for some experimental centers to be built. But to my knowledge, none have been built yet. The options for moms in IL are very limited. There's something wrong with that.
Lucky I have awhile to consider and weigh the options.

Do Not Worry.

Today my husband left for Mexico on a missions trip. I have to admit that I was nervous when I watched him walk into the terminal this morning. We had just finished talking about things I should know, "in case" something happened to him. I couldn't get that out of my mind. How would it be to be pregnant and a widow? How would I get on with my life? I couldn't imagine it. Our lives are so totally intertwined, my life would be ruined. Then I started to think what if something happened to me or the baby, how would I get a hold of him? Would he get back quickly? I have never been this nervous before about him going on a missions trip (he has done several.) Do pregnancy hormones make you worry more? I think so, at least in this case. I am pretty sure everything will be fine, but you never know. I am praying for peace, and that helps a lot.

I recently have been experiencing more heart palpitations than normal. My OB told me to go to my primary physician and get it checked out. I had some blood work done and it shows some hyperthyroidism. I have often wondered if my thyroid was going to act up, since some previous tests suggested that it might happen. I am really hoping that I don't have to take any more medication. I am already on a prescription drug, and now I am taking Tylenol on a regular basis too (daily headaches--ugh!) So now I have to get more tests and ultrasound on the thyroid to see what is going on. Hopefully it's nothing.

I am starting to show now! I wasn't sure, but I think I recently popped, and people are noticing too (so are my pants!) It's kinda nice because sometimes you wonder if anything is going on in there, you can't feel it yet. So I am excited about that. I had a friend give me her old maternity clothes, and it was exciting to go through them--it was like shopping! I want to fill them out more though. I am so grateful for those clothes--they can be so expensive! I guess if you call them maternity you can add another $20 to the price! I found some cute dresses at Nordstrom on clearance that I can wear in the summer--can't wait for that! I think maternity dresses are cute. Knowing how hot and humid Chicago can get in the summer, I think the dresses will come in handy when I am ready to pop!

False Security

Recently I gave some books on infertility to a friend who is experiencing some difficulty getting pregnant. I was surprised to find it a little difficult to do that. When I handed them to her, I felt myself a little reluctant to give them. I think because I find comfort in knowledge and I relied on those books so much when I needed support and information. And I did it for so long, it became habit and now, I realize, a comfort to me. And I couldn't help but think, will I need these again? What if I need them soon? Am I jinxing myself and this pregnancy if I am giving these away?
But I have such a peace about this baby, it is almost freaky. I should be worried about things, but I'm not. I know it's God's peace, there is no other possible explanation. I can't be "jinxed", God is on my side. He wants this baby to live and thrive. And I just have to keep reminding myself that. And if I have to go through infertility again, it will be for a good reason, God is in control. And I read those books so much, I think I know them by heart anyway.
Good luck friend! Read and be comforted. I am praying for you.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It's been awhile since I have blogged. The holidays and having to jump back into work has slowed me down. Along with this baby. I feel like I am running at half-steam.
Had a really great time over the holidays. Even though I had to work on Christmas, it was only half a day, so I was able to enjoy it with some of my extended family. It is always great to see everyone. It was fun to share my pregnancy with everyone, and tell the news to some who hadn't heard. I love seeing their face light up. Everyone knows how hard we were trying. My grandma just keeps crying. I can't talk to her about it anymore because I will join in. I can't wait until next year when we will have a 4 month old to share in the festivities. The baby already got some presents this year! Yay!
I already have periods where I am just in awe that I really am going to have a baby. I just can't help but praise God when I think about how wonderful it all really is. How unworthy I feel to get His blessing. He didn't have to do it, but He did, and I am so excited about it.
Can I complain about being pregnant? I am not sure I have the "right" to, being that I REALLY wanted this for so long. I even had another pregnant coworker tell me that I shouldn't complain, that this is what I wanted. I was really shocked at that statement. Does that mean she is allowed to because she had no difficulty with conceiving either of her children? I still think I should be able to, pregnancy is hard I have come to find out, and sometimes you need to vent.
It is such a weird place to be in. I am grateful, but shocked and frustrated about how my body is not my own anymore, and it won't be for a long time. It took me 10 minutes to find something clean and big enough to wear to church yesterday. It just made my morning not go smoothly from there. I had to take some time to get some water to bring, because if I don't, I get dizzy. Then I had to bring some food because I knew that if I didn't eat soon, I wouldn't be able to until lunch and I know if I don't have food in my stomach, that I will want to and possibly will vomit. This things frustrate me among others, like my skin has now become super sensitive, and my bbs feel like they weigh 10 lbs each and don't fit into any bra well, no matter what the size. I am hoping as I move into my second trimester these things will get better. Then nausea already has overall, and that is exciting for me.
I can't wait until my next ultrasound at 21 weeks. We will get to see everything on the baby and the gender!