As this pregnancy is coming to an end, my memories of all the dreams and wishes of this wonderment are flooding my mind. JJ and I recently celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been that long already. It really flew by looking back. We have been through so much (half of our marriage was TTC), and we are still so totally in love, it's hard to believe sometimes.
We went to Maui on our honeymoon, which was pure heaven. I would love to go back sometime. One night we just laid on the beach together, looking at the stars and dreaming of our future together. I remember laying there looking up at the stars and praying for babies, for a family with my husband. Then I saw the most amazing shooting star go across the heavens. It sent chills down my spine. I knew it was a sign from God that it would happen. It made me cry. That has happened 2 more times in my life. I can't call that a coincidence.
There were times when I forgot about that, when I was so engrossed in how treatments weren't working, how it looked like an impossibility. I remember a time when I was convinced it actually wasn't going to happen. I took everything I had that reminded me of God's promise and literally destroyed it in a crying rage. I made it into nothing with my bare hands. Everything on the outside literal world showed me signs it wasn't going to happen, and my faith couldn't carry me that day. I lost it.
I somehow found it again and continued. And look where we are now. 35 weeks pregnant with our promise--our little boy about to enter the world. As I feel him inside me, it is still hard to believe sometimes. GOD IS SO GOOD! I hated hearing "All in God's timing". Sometimes I still hate hearing that, but it was also my prayer, as hard as it was praying it. I wanted him to come when he was supposed to come in history. I am praying he is a strong man of God and that he continues to be a fulfillment of prophesy and promise in his life. I can't wait to see him and hold him and talk to him and be with him. It will be a dream come true.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thanks to my parents coming over and helping me finish, the nursery is finally done. It was something that was really weighing on my mind, and I called my mom yesterday freaking out about how much I had to do yet, and couldn't do much around the house because of these dumb contractions I am having. So her and my dad came over and helped finish the nursery and clean, and I am so grateful. It is a huge weight lifted. I can honestly say that I am ready for him to come now, which is really exciting. But don't come yet!
Friday, June 18, 2010
So I went into the OB's and of course they measured me as usual and I was measuring at 38 cm--5 weeks ahead of where I am! This of course, freaked me out. I am not interested in trying to push a 10 lb. baby out of me. The last couple weeks I have been feeling quite big. When I read the updates on babycenter.com I have been feeling like the baby is bigger than what they have been saying it is. Now I may have confirmation of that! My OB suggested an US next week to check the size. We shall see what that reveals. The problem is that those are notoriously inaccurate, especially the closer to the due date you get. It will be nice to see him again anyway. My only consolation right now is some friends telling me they measured big too and had normal sized babies. I am riding on that hope right now!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Had my shower last week, and it was wonderful. It went way too fast. I felt so blessed from everybody when I was opening the gifts. So many wonderful things! He is going to be spoiled! (Love that!)
Before the shower, I was getting anxious about how we didn't have anything and I felt so unready for the baby. I knew in my mind that I was going to have the shower, but there was this pull that would nag at me saying, "You aren't ready for the baby to come! What are you going to do?!!!" That feeling is much less now. Even though I have 2 more months to go, I feel like I need to have everything ready to the tee for some reason. Is this nesting? Whatever it is, it is quite strong. Amazing what instinct can do.
It was such a weird thing to attend a baby shower, and for it to be mine. The last couple of years, it has been difficult to attend baby showers for me. I just couldn't do it. It would hurt too much for me to see all that baby stuff (stuff that I wanted). I couldn't even shop in the baby section, so I couldn't get a gift either. This made me feel bad, but I also knew that I needed to do it for me, to avoid all the emotion wrapped up in it (and to avoid a panic attack!) It was wonderful that the first shower I could attend again was my own, and that I could enjoy it to the fullest. Praise God for answered prayer!
Enjoy some pics from the shower. It was great, and my family did such a wonderful job.