Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sorry for not posting lately, life has different priorities recently! Let me share my birth story and gush about my cute little boy! Born July 28 at 1:17 am. 10 lbs 9 oz, 20.5 inches.
The week before the real labor, I went into labor 5 times and it stopped. Why, I am not sure, maybe because he was a large baby. Towards the end I had to stop working because I kept going into labor and I was in too much pain after work (now I know it was because he was a big boy!) It got so frustrating, the last couple times it started, I cried because it was just hard to think of going into labor for several hours and have it come to nothing.
The day we went to the hospital, it started like it always did, and my husband almost went to work because I have had so many false alarms and he had lost so many hours at work, and being self employed, that's lost money. Almost right after we made the decision for him to go to work, the labor really got intense. We still didn't believe it was the real thing but they got intense enough that I needed him to stay and help me through it whether it was real or not. Eventually they were very intense and regular enough that it brought us to the hospital. Our doula met us there after we got there. They continued to stay intense and regular and were getting worse and after several hours we were finally convinced it was the real thing. I labored naturally without any medications for pain. I used tools we learned to manage the pain and I even got in the shower, which felt awesome.
I got to the point of where I wasn't dilating anymore past 6 cm and we decided to let the MD break my water to move things along. I was told by the RN that my contractions would space out but be more intense (which was hard to believe it could get worse!) I was contracting every 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Well once the water was broken they didn't space out, but they did get WAY more increasingly intense. I have never felt pain like that before. But I was determined to have this baby naturally, for my son's sake.
Towards the time where it was time to push, I finally thought I couldn't take the pain anymore. The tools I was using wasn't working and I couldn't get on top of the pain anymore. I begged for something to help me through the contractions. My doula was so reassuring, telling me I was handed a hard labor and it's OK, but let's check and see how far along I am. The RN agreed I should do that too and she checked me and I was 9.5 cm! I couldn't believe it, it seemed to happen pretty quick. She asked me to push and see if the last of the cervix would go away and it did. So we got serious with pushing.
Little did I know he was coming down sideways and how big he was. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and the last hour of pushing, he wasn't budging. I was so exhausted and in so much pain. The doctor came in and tried to get the baby to come down, but he wasn't moving, and she said that I needed a C-section. That was really hard to hear. I was angry but relieved at the same time. It was a solution, it was an end in sight. After the decision was made, it was a weird place to be in. My body was still giving very strong contractions and the urge to push did not go away. So I kept pushing, even though I knew it wouldn't lead to anything. They finally wheeled me into the OR and I had to continue to push while they started a new IV, because the other wasn't working. That was really hard. I couldn't wait for the spinal, and to get some relief. Finally it was in and my body finally was relaxed, and I was able to open my eyes and let it sink in that I am in the OR having a C-section. But I was mostly just excited to know that I will meet my beautiful boy in a matter of minutes. They let JJ in and I was able to be with him and share the excitement.
Then I heard a collective "WOW!" and "he's a toddler! What a big baby!" The doctor said there is no way I would have been able to push him out. And looking at his head, it was true. You could tell by the swelling and bruising of his head that was on the side of his head that between him not coming down straight on and his size he wasn't going to come out vaginally.
It has been a long, hard recovery and I am realizing that it is going to take awhile to heal completely. I am sore from pushing, and from the incision and the fact that I pushed him down so far means I have some vaginal pain too (the doctor actually had to push him back up to get him out!).
I am also mourning the fact that I didn't have my ideal birth. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that we did all that preparing and I did all that painful laboring for nothing. I wish I knew what the outcome was going to be, it would have been so much easier! I am still proud of the fact that I did what I wanted to do for my son. And in the end he didn't get exposed to as many drugs as he would have if I had gotten an epidural. But going through all that, I can honestly say (and told my doctor this too) that I will never do that again. I think it will be repeat C-section for me if God blesses us with another baby. That was traumatic and I never want to go through it again, knowing the chances of me having a hard labor with a big baby is great.
In the end, I am totally in love with our little one. He is very cute and is a good baby. He looks so much like my husband (which is reassuring since I was having bad dreams they used the wrong sperm!) There are many times I hold my son and it hits me--I am a mom now, my dreams have come true. God has blessed us, and all of that waiting was very worth it. I am so grateful, it is overwhelming. We have named him Jaden, meaning "God has heard, thankfulness to God". He will be dedicated to Him Aug. 29. We pray he does mighty things for God. He is so good!