Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Scary Details

Had a big scare this weekend. I started bleeding. It totally freaked me out, but I had a strange calm about it. It was like the beginning of my period, but no worse, and no clots. I called the doctor and she said to stay off my feet for the rest of the weekend, which I did. That is harder than I thought!
Went to the office yesterday and today, and everything is looking really good. It was amazing to see my baby move and watch it's heartbeat. It became so real for me. I felt nothing but gratitude and huge love for this baby already. It was such a relief to see that baby up on that screen and see that it was doing well. She was like, "Hi mom! I'm OK, so don't freak out. See, I am moving and everything!" Amazing what they can already do at such an early age! It was really wonderful. Makes me want to get an US every week to see how the baby is progressing.
I have a bad cold now I have to deal with. Not fun. And I don't want to take anything to help with the symptoms. I am already taking a daily medication, and I don't want to expose the baby to anything else. We will see how bad things get. I have been using a nasal saline rinse, which helps temporarily anyway. Hopefully it won't last long.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I Heart Christmas

I love Christmas. I was thinking today how everyone's spirits are up and love really is in the air around this time. Everyone is wishing others a Merry Christmas, where otherwise maybe nothing would be said. The heart is just filled with love for your family and friends whom you share a life with.
AND, the movies!! I love movies! There is always good ones on the TV, Christmas ones and non-Christmas ones. One of the best is A Christmas Story. It is hilarious. I think I know all the lines to the movie, and it still is funny to me. I watched White Christmas today too--such a good one. I always like the dancing in that movie. It was a great day today just lounging around with JJ, loving life. I am trying to not think about the fact that I have to work tomorrow on Christmas Day. Yuck. But the next day my family will celebrate Christmas, and I am really looking forward to that.
Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. I still can't believe it (even though the nausea reminds me daily!) Every year at Christmas I have wondered if I will have a baby by next Christmas, and now I know I will. It is so wonderful. I am so grateful to God for this miracle, a Christmas miracle!

Monday, December 21, 2009


I can't believe it, but my jeans aren't fitting anymore! ALREADY?!! It makes me feel like a fatso. I find myself "sucking in" because my belly is bigger, but then I realize that maybe I shouldn't do that. I am trying to embrace it and take it as a good sign, but it just feels like I am gaining weight.
And I am which is good. I lost weight there for a little bit, but have gained that back in spite of the nausea. It comes in waves and with no rhyme or reason. Some days are good, some are not. I have tried everything under the sun to help with it, and it helps...a little. It is such a weird thing, I feel really ill but grateful I am feeling it all at the same time. Yesterday I started crying because I felt so miserable, which led into more crying thinking how wonderful it was to feel miserable because that means things are going well. Such a weird place to be in!
I am looking forward to my next US at my OB's office at the end of the month. I hope we get to see more this time, and not just a blob with a flicker inside it. JJ will be able to come, which I am glad about.

Merry Christmas too all of you!!! Hope your holidays are filled with joy, laughter, and hope--hope that next year will bring 2 lines for you too!

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Difficulty of Getting What You Wanted

I'm in a difficult place right now. I am so excited for this baby and all the possibilities that it can be, but I find myself hesitant to write because I know some of you are longing for what I am experiencing now. I know that all to well, I longed for 3 years for this blessing. It is still hard to believe. So shouting it from the hilltops in this venue has been a difficult thing for me because I know. I know some of you won't read this blog anymore because it hurts to see someone else getting pregnant instead of you...again. I know you struggle with trying to stay positive and not get bitter and wonder, "why not me?"

I want you to know I won't hold it against you if you stop reading or visiting. I understand--I have done it myself. Know that I will still be praying for you that you too can experience the joy of seeing those two lines. Oh how I long for that for all of my fellow infertles!

I know I will still be visiting you and encouraging you because I know you need it. We all do no matter what we are going through. I will always be a part of this community that has been such a huge part of my life. I don't know what I would have done had it not been for this family. You mean so much to me.
I must keep writing about where I am at at this very moment--trying to survive until second trimester. It hasn't been too fun yet! But the joy I have is amazing and I must let it out! I can't contain it, and I am sure it will spill out.

Stay strong and keep praying! God is in the business of miracles! I am living proof!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Heard The Heartbeat!!! 6 Weeks.

I went to Dr. RE today for the last time. They found the heartbeat right away and I fell in love in that very moment. It made it all very real for me (beside all the other things that clue me in--more on that later!) A huge weight has been lifted. Seeing the heartbeat reduced the chances of miscarriage greatly, so I am really excited about that.
They officially released me to my OB today. It was bitter sweet saying goodbye to everyone in the office. I have come to know them so well, they are almost family. I thanked each of them for all they have done for us, and for believing it could happen. Dr. RE was wonderful too. She said it is hard because you grow attached but this is what you hope for, so it is hard to say goodbye. But it was also nice to think about not having to go back there, hopefully never again.

I feel like this little one is taking over my body in almost every aspect. Let's do this head to toe:
#1 Pregnancy brain. I am still not sure if I was like this before and didn't notice or this has already kicked in. Example: The washing machine was filling up with water (already about half full) and I closed the lid and tried to start it up, only to realize then that it already is filling. Why my ears couldn't pick that one up is beyond me.
#2 Acne. Always had a problem, but now it is worse. Thought that would get better. How about NO.
#3 Food smells, and I usually don't like it. Makes my stomach churn.
#4 I crave citrus. But now I am getting heartburn--already. So the two don't work well together.
#5 My boobs are already huge, and now I already have grown a cup size. This is all I have left that I can see in bra sizes. I have a small band with relative to cup size, and I already have grown to the biggest cup size available for my width. This concerns me for the next 34 weeks, and how in the world am I going to find a nursing bra?!! (And don't even think about touching them! OUCH!)
#6 Nausea. It sucks. It is worse when I need to eat. But I don't want to eat when I am nauseated. See the irony?
#7 I particularly love sleep right now. But I can't sleep well. The other night--up at 3:15am--wide awake! 3:15 pm: taking a much-coveted nap. Maybe this is preparing me for the same when baby comes.
#8 I feel like I have a grapefruit in my lower abdomen. This is not comfortable when I want to bend over. I know this will only get worse.
#9 Pain. Still having it. Not as bad, more like cramps now, but still annoying. These get worse if I don't "take it easy". This is very hard for me to do.
#10 Muscle cramps. I had a pregnant friend ask me if the cramps have started. I said no, then the next day I started getting them. Mostly in the calf, but I got one in my shoulder the other day. Not fun and I hope they stop.

If that isn't enough to clue me in something is going on in there, I don't know what would be! As uncomfortable as all that may make me, it is all good signs that the Lord has blessed me with a baby! And I couldn't be more happy! Keep growing little one!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Feeling Pregnant

I have become very aware of my uterus in the last couple of days. It feels like a hard apple that isn't flexible anymore. I can feel it when I bend over. It wasn't like that before. It is exciting for me because I am already starting to feel pregnant. I have been having tons of symptoms, but not anything I can feel that is growing in there, but now I feel it. Sometimes I think I am crazy since I am only 5 weeks along, and how could I really feel something already? But I know my body pretty well.

I am still having some sharp pain, but it is getting better. I just have to take it easy, which is hard for me. It is hard at work too when I have to ask other people to do things for me like move patients. I have to take breaks in between chores in the house too. But it is all for a good cause!

I feel so grateful for this little thing growing inside me. I just can't believe it is finally happening. I feel really good about it too. I have such a good feeling about this pregnancy, and I know that is from God.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Our Little Bean

I have been having some pain lately, like cramps and sharp pain in my lower abdomen, so I let them know today when I had my second HCG level. So the Dr. RE decided to do a US to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. And here's what they found! That tiny dark dot is our baby! Right in the uterus like it should be. I was ecstatic to see that! I was surprised they could find something since it is so early. I can't wait to see the heartbeat now! It really feels real now, to see what is going on in there. I certainly feel like there is something going on, but to see it is wonderful. Thank you God.