What is it like to be an Infertle who is pregnant? I have often wondered that. Is it any different than someone who didn't struggle with infertility? I often thought they would have more joy and be more excited than the other.
But I am struggling with feelings of guilt over this pregnancy. It almost makes me feel better about some of the joy I feel, like I am supposed to feel guilty for getting pregnant successfully and on the first try of IUI. I am totally ecstatic about it, but then I feel bad that I have those feelings when I know so many out there are still struggling. My growing belly (and the comments about it) make me want to hide it sometimes and ask that people not comment, like I don't deserve this kind of a thing. I really don't. Who does? Who deserves to be a parent? It is a privilege that some don't understand. I know it can be hard, but when you don't have it, you know what a blessing it is.
Have I gotten used to feeling frustrated, terrified, sad and ill--the rotten things infertility brought to my life? Am I used the emotional rollercoaster that makes me feel like I have to feel the opposite emotion right on the heels of elation? Do I know what to do, now that all I feel is joy, peace, health? I haven't known that for so long.
I think this is just evil thoughts and I should just pray for the joy of this pregnancy to come over me. That has been my prayer in the last day. I want to feel good things about this pregnancy and not feel guilty about those feelings. God has given me this miracle, and He knows what is best in my life and everyone else's, and when those that are trying should receive what I have.
So now that I am really feeling this baby move, I should rejoice! I should smile and not feel bad about that smile. I should enjoy everything I am feeling because that is what God wants me to do--enjoy the blessing!