Hope Endures!

Since this big debacle with insurance not paying, it has been an emotional roller coaster. The waiting has been the worst part of it I think. But I recently have been getting some paperwork from them saying they have paid the doctor. Now I just need them to pay the hospital for my surgery, and we are golden! ( That is the biggest expense.)

Either way, with the insurance change, I will be able to stay with my doctor. It would have broken my heart to switch. Just the paperwork alone to start with a new doctor would have been ridiculous. The new insurance begins August 1, which means I could be taking the meds and start monitoring in a few weeks!!! I am totally excited about that. The meds have just been sitting in the fridge torturing me because I was working out this whole thing.

This was a major bump in the road to motherhood, and I have often wondered if God heard me-if He was in tune with what I was going through. I stopped today to think about it, and I realized He has given me signs that He has been there with me (that He is there for me.) Things like a sermon I listened to, encouragement and hugs from family and friends, reminders of His promise to us for children (however that may happen.) When His people were in the desert, He gave them daily provision in the form of manna and quail, and that was a daily miracle! But they were still in the desert, He allowed them to experience the desert. Do I ever feel like I am in a desert! I hope I am learning in it though, that my character is being exercised, and that it is growing. I hope that I don't become that "bitter infertle" I so often read and listen to. Do I understand the rants? YOU BETCHA (read some of my older posts)! But I can't let this change me for the worse. 

I want to be the person going through infertility who wants to invest in the children in her life currently, who can be excited for a friend who is pregnant or who just had a baby. Sometimes it's hard, I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the last thing I want to happen is let these years pass me by and regret what kind of person I was. And I know God will still be with me no matter what.

Anxiety-Go Away!

I am trying to figure out how do deal with stress. I keep reading about how IF is considered one of the most stressful things to go through, but I don't want to believe it, or I don't want it to "get" me. If it "gets" me, then I am not strong, and if I'm not strong, it may beat me. That's how I feel-beat up. But I can't figure out how to deal with it. I don't feel particularly overwhelmed all the time, but my body is certainly giving me other signs. The biggest one being that my sleep is just almost worthless lately. I actually physically jerk all night long. I fear that I will have to add another medication to the list (besides the stupid Ambien I already take). I have been trying to avoid that because hopefully I will be pregnant soon, and the less meds, the better (none would be great). I wonder though, if this "sleeping disorder" I have been diagnosed with is part of the anxiety disorder I have been trying to deal with. I know a lot of PCOS-ers deal with that.

I think I may be in some denial about the anxiety I feel, thinking that if I do x,y,z, then it will be better. Or maybe if I switch up the order I do things, or maybe I have to do them all that day at a certain time of the day. Then I wonder is worrying about that going to make me insane?!! Or cause me to have more anxiety? OH MY GOSH!

I have been wondering if the increased problems lately have been from this whole insurance debacle. But lately I have been receiving things hinting towards a good outcome, so you think that I would be less stressed about it. But it has caused us to wait even longer to start with the meds and monitoring. Can waiting make you stressed? I think unfulfilled dreams can. I think knowing you are destined for something and feeling like it's late in coming can. I need an intervention! I need a miracle.

Changes

I recently found out that my insurance is changing. I temporarily freaked out, because I thought the worst-now I definitely have to change doctors. I have to catch myself and remind myself to think of the possible positives first! So I thought, until you find out information, there is no sense in thinking anything. But it was on my mind all weekend. 

I just sent an appeal letter to my current insurance company regarding payment for my currently RE. I tried to go at it from an emotional as well as a right down to business point-the point that they messed up. I can only hope that it works. It is currently my only hope in the matter.

Today I called to see if my current RE will be "in network" in my new insurance, and they assured me that she is. Great! Now if only I can believe them. This is the problem I ran into last time. I do find it reassuring that so far they say she is, now I have to get my new card and check it against the internet site to see what it says. But the crazy thing is, they can say that, and turn around and say later that she isn't and then you are in a battle. I think that's what they want, is a battle and they hope you get battle weary. Believe me, if it wasn't so much money, I think I would get battle weary. I often think it might be easier to give up sometimes.

Now I have these medications staring at me everyday, waiting to help. I really can't wait to take them and see what happens. It is a hefty dose of Clomid (tried other doses before), then the trigger Ovidrel if needed. I needed to put them away today-shoved the Ovidrel to the back of the fridge and the Clomid in a closet. It seems like a tease right now, especially knowing I have to wait even longer now. Gosh, I think that is the hardest part, the waiting and the not knowing. Not knowing if this is going to work, and if it doesn't, what is the next step? Can I deal with needing to go the next step? Do I want to?