Hope Endures!

Since this big debacle with insurance not paying, it has been an emotional roller coaster. The waiting has been the worst part of it I think. But I recently have been getting some paperwork from them saying they have paid the doctor. Now I just need them to pay the hospital for my surgery, and we are golden! ( That is the biggest expense.)

Either way, with the insurance change, I will be able to stay with my doctor. It would have broken my heart to switch. Just the paperwork alone to start with a new doctor would have been ridiculous. The new insurance begins August 1, which means I could be taking the meds and start monitoring in a few weeks!!! I am totally excited about that. The meds have just been sitting in the fridge torturing me because I was working out this whole thing.

This was a major bump in the road to motherhood, and I have often wondered if God heard me-if He was in tune with what I was going through. I stopped today to think about it, and I realized He has given me signs that He has been there with me (that He is there for me.) Things like a sermon I listened to, encouragement and hugs from family and friends, reminders of His promise to us for children (however that may happen.) When His people were in the desert, He gave them daily provision in the form of manna and quail, and that was a daily miracle! But they were still in the desert, He allowed them to experience the desert. Do I ever feel like I am in a desert! I hope I am learning in it though, that my character is being exercised, and that it is growing. I hope that I don't become that "bitter infertle" I so often read and listen to. Do I understand the rants? YOU BETCHA (read some of my older posts)! But I can't let this change me for the worse. 

I want to be the person going through infertility who wants to invest in the children in her life currently, who can be excited for a friend who is pregnant or who just had a baby. Sometimes it's hard, I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the last thing I want to happen is let these years pass me by and regret what kind of person I was. And I know God will still be with me no matter what.

Our Common Hope

This past week I was at work and the dreaded question was asked (as it frequently does), "Do you have children?" Which is of course is a no, then they usually say something like "why not, you should", etc. I have the privilege of interacting with a lot of people being a nurse and I am frequently asked the question and it is a heart-wrenching conversation that follows.

This day was a bit different. I was asked the question and I simply said no. Sometimes that stops further questioning, mostly not. People need details I guess. After the no response my patient's wife said, "Well don't wait to try, you should do it now." I was flabbergasted! What does she know? Well turns out she knows from experience. Her and her husband married later in life and she went through everything you can think of in the IF world. We shared stories and heartaches and the many "why?" questions we have for God when we get to heaven. Why do those teenagers who have no support system get pregnant and we don't? Why does the mother who is hooked on drugs gets pregnant? Why do people who don't want children have children, and those of us who desperately want them can't? I think those are some pretty good ones. 

We were able to share in our pain and joy. They were able to adopt a beautiful 4 year old girl whose parents basically didn't want her anymore. She has been a pure joy in their lives for the past 2 years now. How wonderful she can live in a home where her parents desperately wanted her. Her adoption answered some of their "why" questions. Why didn't her parents want her? Because God hand-picked her out for them. That's where their infertility road lead them-to her and the making of their family. 

They were so encouraging and loving to me. It is so nice to talk with people who totally get what you are going through. There is such support and love in that. Something she said really struck me. She said that you will have your story too. You will have your children someday too. No matter what, it will happen, and we will pray for you. 

Thank you Mr and Mrs L for that. It was a wonderful encouragement in a place where it is hard to be "infertile". You lifted my spirits and gave me great hope! And thank you for giving infertility a voice. I often think we are too silent on that, even with each other but we should continue the conversation in a positive and encouraging way. I am praying for you too-the Mr and Mrs L's on the planet and the brothers and sisters with empty broken hearts. You will have your story, I just know it. God is in the business of blessing people, and He is really good at it! We just have to trust it is in His way, which is the best way for us by far.