Friday, April 17, 2009


It was beautiful outside today-finally. I was able to get on my bike and get some good cardio exercise. I wish I had more motivation to do it more often. I feel great when I am done, but getting in the gear and getting my butt in gear prove to be difficult at times. 
I have recently gotten back into yoga again. I have found it to be healing. I consider it my medication now. It has helped me deal with my new diagnosis. I really feel much better than I have in years. Recently I was diagnosed with abnormal panic attacks, which for years they thought were seizures. Through lots of testing they found I have had the wrong diagnosis. It is great to not worry about ever having a seizure again. But since being off all those seizure meds, I find myself having to deal with what is left behind-anxiety. It creeps up on me when I least expect it and most of the time doesn't last long. But it is certainly bothersome. It actually makes me feel angry because I don't have control over my own body. And that can be scary, especially if you like to be in control.
But who really is in control? I would like to think that God is in control of my life. I ask Him to be in control all the time. But truthfully, that can be a scary thing. Does that mean that He is going to ask me to wait longer for children? We know He has promised them to us, but when? And how? Will it involve a difficult process through the doctor? Or will He "open my womb" miraculously as He did multiple times in the Bible without human intervention? Or will it be both? I can't help but point out how many women in the Bible went through what I am going through. But for them I am sure it was even harder. Their identities as women culturally were wrapped up in having children. I am struck by how God touched them and how their children became some of the greatest heroes of our religion. Like Samuel, Samson, Isaac, etc. If you read how a lot of God's people came to be, you might be shocked at how many of their mothers had trouble conceiving, and God called them into something amazing. I hope and pray that for our children-that God calls them into something amazing for the Kingdom, and He has given me the opportunity to be their mother. I can't wait.

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