Girdle Support

What would I do without friends? Friends who can gird you up with support, even if they can't totally understand what is going on in your life, they still lift and support you like a good girdle should. Sometimes you just need to vent, whether it be about work, personal stuff-anything. And when you are done, they give their support. It's wonderful!

I have been nervous about this surgery. Although considered a minor one, my nursing mind thinks of the worst. Dr. RE wants to do it in a hospital because of my anatomy (my uterus is anterior and basically sticking straight up, so things can get a little difficult when that's the case.) I wonder if she is going to make me wear a girdle after? Sometimes I wish those were still the norm-I would look a lot better I think. I digress...

Anyway, telling friends about my "minor surgery" (and that's about all I have told them at this point) helps relieve some of the stress involved. I know they will be thinking and praying about it, and that helps ease my mind. I am so glad to have them in my life on a regular basis, and know they will be there through anything with their support. They even lie to me and tell me I am skinny. Kinda like a good girdle.

I Like Sugar

I like carbs in general. If I could eat cookies and pasta all day long, I would. Could meaning it would not make me gain weight and it would be nutritionally good for me. That's going to be my heaven-floating on a cloud with a bowl of white pasta with cheese and cookies and ice cream for dessert. 

But alas, I have PCOS. Again, I would like to blame the fact that I am in need of some weight loss on the PCOS, and it may be partly to blame. I do fluctuate about 5 lbs with no reason whatsoever. But a large part of it may be because I love sugar.

So do I have a large stash of it in my house? NO. If I did, I know I would be a lot heavier than I am now. I really do struggle with it at the grocery store. In fact, it is rare I visit the "crackers and cookies" isle. (I find it amusing and helpful they are in the same isle).  It is definitely a struggle to make good choices on a daily basis. Being a nurse, I have some idea of what is good for me nutritionally, and I try to keep it rounded. Trying to get all my veggies and fruit can be difficult. But I have found that smoothies are easy and you can shove a couple pieces of fruit in one glass. I have a hard time believing there are many people that get the "recommended" amount of fruits and veggies in in one day. If you look at that list (aka the food guide pyramid) that's a lot of them! How do you have time? I think that's about all you should eat during the day, just to fit them all in. But my focus is to build a healthy body for my future children, whether I bear them or not. And that is what I have to keep in mind to keep me motivated, and that's pretty good motivation.

Ouchy With a Plan

(FYI, this is TMI!)

My HSG was today. But my docs don't really call it that, they call it a saline ultrasound. They use saline and an ultrasound instead of dye. She told me that it doesn't make sense to put radioactive dye up in ya and give you a bunch of x-rays when you are trying to get pregnant. Makes sense to me too. 

So I get on the table and assume the position. HUGE, cold speculum in, then the cleaning of the cervix which felt like a pap. Unfortunately my cervix was not cooperating. She had a hard time getting through. So she had to use the speculum to try to move my uterus down since mine is anterior and almost straight up. That was not fun. I know she was trying to do it gently, but that was the worst cramps I have ever had. I have to say though, I was expecting worse. It felt like bad cramps and the bad ones went away pretty quick after it was done. She told me I may have to drink a bunch of water and fill my bladder to help things along. As soon as she said that, I started praying, "Oh Lord, make it go in! I don't want to wait. I just want to get it over with!" And then she said, "Oh! There it is!" OK, Great! Take that huge speculum out!!! I am done with that! Then the US wand with the goop and the condom on (made me laugh again) went in. I don't think I will ever get used to that!

So then she started squirting cold saline and it started pouring out-weird feeling! Fallopian tubes are clear! Praise God! BUT-to my surprise I have a uterine fibroid. Dang it-that means surgery and putting off the treatments. If I leave it in, the embryo has less surface area to adhere to. She said I may have had it all along, or all the Clomid caused it. (I knew I couldn't take that stuff unscathed!) So I need to wait, take some more tests to see if I ovulated this month (uh, probably not) then start Provera to get a period, do BCP's (birth control pills) to thin my uterine lining and have surgery June 3. Then after that, if all goes well, we will start Clomid with injectables.

I am disappointed we have to wait even longer to start treatments, but it is also nice to have a plan. I haven't had a plan in a long time-wait-probably never. It was nice to have JJ (husband) there with me. He thought he couldn't come for a second, but last night he told me he was able to make it. That would have been weird to hear I needed surgery and be alone. He is great, and so good to me. I am grateful to have him.

I recently read a book called "A Few Good Eggs" by Maureen Regan and Julie Vargo-check them out at http://www.afewgoodeggs.com/index.htm . They said something really great that stuck with me. To paraphrase, they said that you will beat infertility. I really liked that. No matter what, you will have children, whether it be from treatments or adoption, it will happen. I found that so encouraging! I recommend the book, I really liked it, and it is humorous too. That helps! We all need to laugh once in a while.

Sleep Please!

Can I just sleep well already? I am so sick of being exhausted and not being able to fall asleep completely or waking up in the middle of the night. Ambien helped recently, but may not be working as well anymore. So of course I called my sleep doc about this, thinking he may suggest a longer-acting Ambien. After all, I am TTC and Ambien is one of my few choices, and that is what we discussed at our rushed appointment. So I talked with his secretary (NOT a nurse) and she said that he thinks that I should try a new med. I asked if it is OK with pregnancy and she said, "Oh no, you shouldn't be on any of these if you are trying to get pregnant!" WHAT?!! You don't know what you are talking about!! Why can't I talk with the doctor? And why didn't he look in my chart that hopefully said something about how I was TTC? So then she said, "So do you want to try this new med?" Again, WHAT?!! You just told me I shouldn't be taking it! NO! Goodbye.

So now I think I have to go to another doc, all of whom I work with--that's weird, but worth it I think. It's just a hassle. I thought I already went through this. I am so sick of doctors who don't act like you are their priority. Isn't that why they went into medicine? I like to think so.

On another note, I have my HSG on Thursay, and I am getting nervous. I have read too many women's thoughts on how painful it was. I am really hoping that everything goes quickly and it isn't too painful. 

Exercise

It was beautiful outside today-finally. I was able to get on my bike and get some good cardio exercise. I wish I had more motivation to do it more often. I feel great when I am done, but getting in the gear and getting my butt in gear prove to be difficult at times. 

I have recently gotten back into yoga again. I have found it to be healing. I consider it my medication now. It has helped me deal with my new diagnosis. I really feel much better than I have in years. Recently I was diagnosed with abnormal panic attacks, which for years they thought were seizures. Through lots of testing they found I have had the wrong diagnosis. It is great to not worry about ever having a seizure again. But since being off all those seizure meds, I find myself having to deal with what is left behind-anxiety. It creeps up on me when I least expect it and most of the time doesn't last long. But it is certainly bothersome. It actually makes me feel angry because I don't have control over my own body. And that can be scary, especially if you like to be in control.

But who really is in control? I would like to think that God is in control of my life. I ask Him to be in control all the time. But truthfully, that can be a scary thing. Does that mean that He is going to ask me to wait longer for children? We know He has promised them to us, but when? And how? Will it involve a difficult process through the doctor? Or will He "open my womb" miraculously as He did multiple times in the Bible without human intervention? Or will it be both? I can't help but point out how many women in the Bible went through what I am going through. But for them I am sure it was even harder. Their identities as women culturally were wrapped up in having children. I am struck by how God touched them and how their children became some of the greatest heroes of our religion. Like Samuel, Samson, Isaac, etc. If you read how a lot of God's people came to be, you might be shocked at how many of their mothers had trouble conceiving, and God called them into something amazing. I hope and pray that for our children-that God calls them into something amazing for the Kingdom, and He has given me the opportunity to be their mother. I can't wait.

Probing Thoughts

Today I had many more blood tests and my vaginal ultrasound. I remember the first time I was to have an ultrasound-what a shocker! I had no idea it was vaginal, I thought it was through the abdomen. So when they asked me if I wanted to put it in, it took all I had in me not to crack up! Of course today's US I don't think showed anything different-still the classic string of pearls around the ovary. Those are cysts, hence polycystic ovary syndrome. Basically those are eggs starting to develop that can't be released because of a hormonal balance. 

I also had a glucose tolerance test. I had to be fasting, get a blood test then drink this really sugary drink and re-test 2 hours later. So it was a long wait in a waiting room. The husband goes tomorrow morning for his testing. Then I have another US with bubbled saline to check if my uterus and fallopian tubes are open on next Thursday. We will see what this all brings. 

The staff is great and friendly. It is so nice because you already are on edge about all this and they make you feel better about it all. Being a patient, you realize how important that is. I have learned that people want you to communicate with them-tell them what you are going to do, and help them feel comfortable. Going through things "from the other side" as a patient has helped me become a better nurse. And for that I am grateful. I hope I never lose that.

First Post

I have told myself that I would start this, but I never did. Until my sister started her own blog and it was inspiring. That is what I want to do is inspire, encourage, and educate. I think I am a natural educator, being a nurse. It is the best aspect of my job, and the part I enjoy the most. I have been encouraged to share my story, so here goes.

My infertility journey? We started trying 2 1/2 years ago. It sounds weird, but I somehow knew I would have difficulty. When I was younger, I had a midwife tell me I "might have polycystic ovarian syndrome." I don't know how you can "possibly" have it. Either you do or you don't! She put me on birth control pills to regulate my periods, and I was on them for years until we decided it was time to try for a baby. Now that I know what I know now, I can't believe that she didn't do more testing etc. I think that because I wasn't trying to get pregnant at the time, she didn't follow up. Big mistake in my opinion. PCOS puts you at risk for things like heart disease and diabetes. Something important to know! 

Amidst other health problems I was having, I tried Clomid several times when I felt like that was under control. I never had the side effects I have heard others have had, and I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Obviously that didn't work. Since I stopped the BCP's, I don't get periods unless I take meds to bring it on. I find that a blessing, because I don't know how I could handle having that disappointment every month. I think about my infertility enough already. Now I am feeling the best I have in years, and we are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist again. The crazy testing has begun! I have already had some blood work and tomorrow is my ultrasound and glucose tolerance blood test in addition to more.

So what have I learned through all this? I totally believe God has me going through this journey for a reason. (In fact many reasons.) I know that God hears me and cares about what I am going through. And I know some day I will minister to women across the globe who are having the same issues, and encourage them to talk about it and pray for their healing. I have learned that 10% of couples will go through what we are going through. What does that mean? There are a lot more people out there than you think are going through IF, whether you may know it or not. So be careful when you speak. Please don't ask everyone you know whether they have children, and if they say no, please don't ask them "Why not?" in a tone that suggests you have something wrong with you if you don't have kids. (just a side note)

I have learned to be more compassionate and listen to people. I think that is all people want-a listening ear. I hope to be that for you too. Please tell me your story and let's share together.