Shocked

I had my ultrasound today and was totally shocked to find out it was a boy!!! I thought for sure it was a girl! It is still sinking in, and I think that it will take some time to get used to. I had such vivid dreams that it was a girl, so seeing it was a boy was really shocking. But most of all we got good news that everything looks good. Measurements are right on target and all the organs look good. I am so grateful and it is such a load off to know that everything looks good-praise God!
I am a little uneasy about the amount of weight I have put on in this trimester already. I gained no weight in the first, then all of the sudden (I think because I feel like eating again!) I have put on 12 lbs! I think in the long run that is OK, but it is just scary how easily it came on. I am hoping it slows down a little now!

Ultrasound Worries

So I am having my US this Thursday. I am excited but the last couple of days I have started to worry about them finding something that isn't going to be good. I kept picturing a happy day, but the reality is that they may find defects or something wrong with the baby. That would make me sad, and it would change the excitement of finding out if this is a boy or girl. But I already feel this baby is ours, and we love him or her so much already, no matter what. Whatever comes, God is in control and knows exactly what is going on and He is the One who has given us this miracle baby. No matter what, we will love this baby entirely. I know God tells us to "worry for nothing", so I will certainly try!
I have been feeling the baby move more and more and it is exciting. Knowing that something really is inside me and growing and reacting to me and JJ is wonderful. I have waited so long for this, and it is still unbelievable to me. When you wait for so long for a dream to come true, and then it happens, sometimes it is hard to believe it is actually happening. I really can't wait until the delivery day when we meet this little one; to see what s/he looks like, sounds like, smells like. I think I will be pinching myself all day making sure I am not dreaming!
I pray every woman who desires that too gets to experience it!

Making Room

Lately I have been tackling the bedroom that will be the nursery, trying to pare down all the stuff that we have. It is amazing what you can accumulate over the years, and what you feel like you need to hold on to. It's hard to tell what kind of room we will need for this little one without having any reference point. I still can't believe all the stuff that is needed for an eight pound human.

I would really like to have the room ready for everything for the shower which will be in May. I don't want to have to deal with sifting through all the wonderful gifts and worrying about where I am going to put it all. I just want to be able to set everything up and put everything away right away. I don't know why, but I have the feeling like I need to get it all ready soon, but I am only halfway through the pregnancy!!! Crazy.

I finally am feeling good enough to get back to the prenatal yoga. It felt really good. All the stretching and poses really helped my body feel better. It didn't do much for me in the beginning of the pregnancy, but now I understand the poses and how they can really help now that I am bigger. I just have to remember to actually do it now!

Shaky Ground-Dealing with Anxiety

I don't think I have shared this before, but I have an anxiety/panic disorder. It is hard for me to admit because it is hard for me to believe sometimes. I was told for years that I have epilepsy. I mean YEARS-7 to be exact. This diagnosis was from at least 3 different doctors. So imagine my surprise when I ended up at Mayo Clinic and they said, no it's not epilepsy, it is psychological. At that point I was suffering so much, I was willing to accept whatever they thought it might be in order to get some help. I saw the psychiatrist and she said it was pseudoseizures, anxiety disorders, a panic attack. In other words, this is how my body responds to stress and anxiety-it shakes and twitches. So much so several doctors thought it was epilepsy.

When did it reach it's peak? When I knew I was infertile. When I knew the "old fashioned way" was not how I was going to get pregnant. Did I realize this at the time? No. I just knew I wanted a baby, even if my body was doing these funny things. There were times I was being taken down the stairs by paramedics, shaking like a leaf, and wondering and hoping if I was going to get pregnant this cycle. As I type this, it sounds sick and twisted that I would even think of getting pregnant in that state. But that's how bad I wanted it. Amazing.

Since then I have gotten much better. I think just knowing that it is somewhat under my control has been empowering. Knowing it is just anxiety. But this doesn't make it any easier when it still happens. It doesn't happen as severely, but it still happens, and it still effects my life. As I write this, it is late and I am not sleeping. My twitches have kept me awake, and this makes me cry. It is frustrating. And the funny thing is I just saw my doctor and told her I haven't felt this good in years. I have been sleeping well lately (this is part of my problem, SLEEP!), and a lot of my symptoms have decreased. Now my body is making me a liar!

For as much as I have gone through, I am grateful for what my recovery has brought me. I have learned to listen to my body. To make myself a priority--this one has been tough. My profession demands that I make others a priority, and so does my religion to tell the truth. So when I make sure that I have done what I need to do for myself at the sake of others, this sometimes makes me feel bad. But I am getting better at this. I have learned how to do things to decrease stress in my life. That wasn't easy when I was trying to get pregnant. I had to find other ways to release my stress, and this is still something that I am working on. Exercise certainly helps. Prayer helps. Positive thoughts help.

How do you release stress and anxiety?

Guilty

What is it like to be an Infertle who is pregnant? I have often wondered that. Is it any different than someone who didn't struggle with infertility? I often thought they would have more joy and be more excited than the other.
But I am struggling with feelings of guilt over this pregnancy. It almost makes me feel better about some of the joy I feel, like I am supposed to feel guilty for getting pregnant successfully and on the first try of IUI. I am totally ecstatic about it, but then I feel bad that I have those feelings when I know so many out there are still struggling. My growing belly (and the comments about it) make me want to hide it sometimes and ask that people not comment, like I don't deserve this kind of a thing. I really don't. Who does? Who deserves to be a parent? It is a privilege that some don't understand. I know it can be hard, but when you don't have it, you know what a blessing it is.
Have I gotten used to feeling frustrated, terrified, sad and ill--the rotten things infertility brought to my life? Am I used the emotional rollercoaster that makes me feel like I have to feel the opposite emotion right on the heels of elation? Do I know what to do, now that all I feel is joy, peace, health? I haven't known that for so long.

I think this is just evil thoughts and I should just pray for the joy of this pregnancy to come over me. That has been my prayer in the last day. I want to feel good things about this pregnancy and not feel guilty about those feelings. God has given me this miracle, and He knows what is best in my life and everyone else's, and when those that are trying should receive what I have.

So now that I am really feeling this baby move, I should rejoice! I should smile and not feel bad about that smile. I should enjoy everything I am feeling because that is what God wants me to do--enjoy the blessing!