Big Decisions

Well, looks like my thyroid is OK. I had to get some more testing done, and all of that looks good. I have yet to hear this from my doctor, but I looked at the results at work the other day, and everything is normal. Just a fluke of pregnancy. What a relief! I really was not interested in taking another medication, or having to go to another doctor. I am so done with the doctors. I have seen way too many of them in the last year and a half. I am so grateful for them, but I am done being poked and prodded.
I think that may be one of the major reasons why giving birth in a hospital is totally turning me off. I am a person who likes to be in control, and you really don't have any control when you walk into a hospital to give birth. Yes, I know the birthing process is very much something that happens on its own, but I would like to think that I can have a say in how I would like things to happen. Whether it happens or not, is up to God, of course. When you go into a hospital, you are now in their world. What they say goes, and if you don't do it that way, you are labeled the problem patient (I know this because I am a nurse!)
Several things about typical hospital births bother me: 1) You are not allowed to eat. This is the most ridiculous one. I understand their thinking behind this, but the chances of aspiration during a C-section is quite low. But if it happens, there is a chance of a lawsuit, so here come the rules. This is like asking someone to run a marathon without eating in the last 12-16 hours. 2) There is the expectation that you will be laboring in bed attached to a fetal monitor, since this is the norm for most. I can't imagine not being able to move around when I like. Do I think the baby should be checked on? Absolutely. Does it have to be the majority of the time? No. 3) I have read the benefits of not clamping the cord right away, and this is also standard practice in a hospital. Can I request it to be delayed, most likely yes. But humans are creatures of habit, and I don't trust this will really happen.
There are many other things I am concerned about like wanting to keep the baby in my arms and nurse right away after delivery, etc. that keep weighing on my mind. But I go back and forth. JJ wants a hospital birth, "in case". And I am always considering the "in case" situations. I have seen them with my own eyes in school. But those complications also happened after interventions were done to the mother such as an epidural and pitocin. Looking at the research, births done with midwives are notoriously safe and have better outcomes than with MD's. BUT, MD's also take on high risk patients (more potential for things going wrong). Midwives do not.
The ideal for me would be a birthing center in a hospital, but the state if Illinois has none of those yet. It seems that those are still a dream after recent legislation allowed for some experimental centers to be built. But to my knowledge, none have been built yet. The options for moms in IL are very limited. There's something wrong with that.
Lucky I have awhile to consider and weigh the options.

Do Not Worry.

Today my husband left for Mexico on a missions trip. I have to admit that I was nervous when I watched him walk into the terminal this morning. We had just finished talking about things I should know, "in case" something happened to him. I couldn't get that out of my mind. How would it be to be pregnant and a widow? How would I get on with my life? I couldn't imagine it. Our lives are so totally intertwined, my life would be ruined. Then I started to think what if something happened to me or the baby, how would I get a hold of him? Would he get back quickly? I have never been this nervous before about him going on a missions trip (he has done several.) Do pregnancy hormones make you worry more? I think so, at least in this case. I am pretty sure everything will be fine, but you never know. I am praying for peace, and that helps a lot.

I recently have been experiencing more heart palpitations than normal. My OB told me to go to my primary physician and get it checked out. I had some blood work done and it shows some hyperthyroidism. I have often wondered if my thyroid was going to act up, since some previous tests suggested that it might happen. I am really hoping that I don't have to take any more medication. I am already on a prescription drug, and now I am taking Tylenol on a regular basis too (daily headaches--ugh!) So now I have to get more tests and ultrasound on the thyroid to see what is going on. Hopefully it's nothing.

I am starting to show now! I wasn't sure, but I think I recently popped, and people are noticing too (so are my pants!) It's kinda nice because sometimes you wonder if anything is going on in there, you can't feel it yet. So I am excited about that. I had a friend give me her old maternity clothes, and it was exciting to go through them--it was like shopping! I want to fill them out more though. I am so grateful for those clothes--they can be so expensive! I guess if you call them maternity you can add another $20 to the price! I found some cute dresses at Nordstrom on clearance that I can wear in the summer--can't wait for that! I think maternity dresses are cute. Knowing how hot and humid Chicago can get in the summer, I think the dresses will come in handy when I am ready to pop!

False Security

Recently I gave some books on infertility to a friend who is experiencing some difficulty getting pregnant. I was surprised to find it a little difficult to do that. When I handed them to her, I felt myself a little reluctant to give them. I think because I find comfort in knowledge and I relied on those books so much when I needed support and information. And I did it for so long, it became habit and now, I realize, a comfort to me. And I couldn't help but think, will I need these again? What if I need them soon? Am I jinxing myself and this pregnancy if I am giving these away?
But I have such a peace about this baby, it is almost freaky. I should be worried about things, but I'm not. I know it's God's peace, there is no other possible explanation. I can't be "jinxed", God is on my side. He wants this baby to live and thrive. And I just have to keep reminding myself that. And if I have to go through infertility again, it will be for a good reason, God is in control. And I read those books so much, I think I know them by heart anyway.
Good luck friend! Read and be comforted. I am praying for you.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It's been awhile since I have blogged. The holidays and having to jump back into work has slowed me down. Along with this baby. I feel like I am running at half-steam.
Had a really great time over the holidays. Even though I had to work on Christmas, it was only half a day, so I was able to enjoy it with some of my extended family. It is always great to see everyone. It was fun to share my pregnancy with everyone, and tell the news to some who hadn't heard. I love seeing their face light up. Everyone knows how hard we were trying. My grandma just keeps crying. I can't talk to her about it anymore because I will join in. I can't wait until next year when we will have a 4 month old to share in the festivities. The baby already got some presents this year! Yay!
I already have periods where I am just in awe that I really am going to have a baby. I just can't help but praise God when I think about how wonderful it all really is. How unworthy I feel to get His blessing. He didn't have to do it, but He did, and I am so excited about it.
Can I complain about being pregnant? I am not sure I have the "right" to, being that I REALLY wanted this for so long. I even had another pregnant coworker tell me that I shouldn't complain, that this is what I wanted. I was really shocked at that statement. Does that mean she is allowed to because she had no difficulty with conceiving either of her children? I still think I should be able to, pregnancy is hard I have come to find out, and sometimes you need to vent.
It is such a weird place to be in. I am grateful, but shocked and frustrated about how my body is not my own anymore, and it won't be for a long time. It took me 10 minutes to find something clean and big enough to wear to church yesterday. It just made my morning not go smoothly from there. I had to take some time to get some water to bring, because if I don't, I get dizzy. Then I had to bring some food because I knew that if I didn't eat soon, I wouldn't be able to until lunch and I know if I don't have food in my stomach, that I will want to and possibly will vomit. This things frustrate me among others, like my skin has now become super sensitive, and my bbs feel like they weigh 10 lbs each and don't fit into any bra well, no matter what the size. I am hoping as I move into my second trimester these things will get better. Then nausea already has overall, and that is exciting for me.
I can't wait until my next ultrasound at 21 weeks. We will get to see everything on the baby and the gender!