Peace that passes all understanding

Philippians 4:7 (New International Version)

⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

On Sunday I was worshipping in church and I was thinking about this whole IF thing (as I usually do in church) and a peace that I can't explain came over me. These thoughts of "it's going to be OK" and "it will work out, no problem" kept rolling through my head. I had no more of the recurring thoughts I usually have like, "when is this going to happen" and "how much will I have to suffer until it happens-is it going to hurt any more than it does right now?" It was all just "it's going to happen, and you will survive, no problem, no worries." What a burden lifted-no worries. I have such a confidence now. A confidence in every aspect of it. I know this was from God, I have no doubts about it.

I am amazed at how easily it came, and even more amazed at how it has stuck with me. Now I know what JJ feels. I have always been confused at how peaceful he could be about this. How could he not feel as I feel? I tried to not let that get me upset at him, because it was his faith in God and what He was going to do, and how could I get mad at that?

I was shopping today, and I didn't have the usual thought I have like when I see a pregnant woman or walk by the baby clothes. All I could think was, "that's going to be me some day" "I will be shopping in this section soon." When usually I am turning my head and looking away, afraid of what it might trigger in me. I was shocked that's all I could think when I saw those images, "It will happen!"

At the end of the service, my pastor's wife came up to me with our guest speaker and asked if they could pray for me. She had a daughter in law that she prayed for for 10 years to have a baby, and she conceived and had 2 children. She laid her hands on my abdomen and prayed for children, not just one child, but children. She reminded me of the the verse in Psalm 113:9 "He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children." (emphasis mine) God said children, not child. What an encouragement! God I pray it sustains until your Word is fulfilled!

Nervous and Grateful

My meds came today and I am nervous. I am nervous this won't work. More importantly, if it doesn't, am I still going to be sane? Will I be OK? Will I still be able to function as a normal human being (whatever that is)? I'm nervous all this testing and follie checks I will need will interrupt my life and my work. I'm getting annoyed with it, really annoyed.

BUT, I am grateful. For my husband, the love of my life. He is my biggest supporter, and I know he will be with me again this cycle. For my home. We have a great home. It may not be the biggest or the flashy-ist, but it's ours and it's comfortable and it will fit our baby nicely I think. I'm grateful for my health. Yes, I have IF issues, but compared to what I see on a daily basis at work, my health is great-I credit God for that.

I am eternally grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. He has saved me from the punishment for sin, he is an even bigger supporter than my husband, he loves me unconditionally, he cares about my situation. I KNOW he will give us children. I believe it will all my heart. God works best in impossible situations. This situation is no exception. How big is my God? He parted the sea, he made dead men rise, he heals cancer, he comforts those who mourn, he gives grace when we don't deserve it, he leads and directs us, he heals the barren woman. Do it God-show off! Show your glory so I can brag about you to everyone I know.

Cancelled...Again

Follow up today, and not much growth. I have been doing injections for 15 days now-a long time to be stimming. So Dr. RE cancelled the cycle. Now I wait for my period which usually doesn't come on it's own these days. That means more waiting. I should be given a medal in waiting! Dr. RE said she is going to start me on a big dose of Menopur to start out next cycle and possibly decrease me if needed.

The nurse mentioned I would be a good candidate of IVF with all the follicles that were being stimulated and growing. That just threw me into a bad day. I mourned the cycle the rest of the day. I really felt a loss in the fact that it wasn't working like it should, and IVF may be what we have to go to. I pleaded with God to save the cycle or at least save the IUI concept. I didn't want to give up, I didn't want to quit yet because that means failure...again. Cancelled...again. It makes you think things like, is there something else I could have done, or maybe I shouldn't have done. The guilt sets in and eats away at you. I have to be careful to not let it. It can ruin who you are, what God is calling you to do. You just have to say, this is what is handed to me, and it's not because of you, it's not your fault. It just is.

This worship song came on when I was going to the clinic the other day. The lyrics were "It's all about you, Jesus. And all this is for you. For your glory and your fame." I applied that to what I have been doing, what I was so sick of doing by that point. I was reminded that God will get the glory through what I am doing. That is all I have ever wanted through all this. That is my motivation now. For His glory and fame.

Needles

It dawned on me that I have a lot of needles in my life right now: needles for blood draws, needles for the meds I am taking, and now acupuncture needles. That's a lot of needles! Then the thought that comes to me so often appeared again-has it really come to this? Are all of these needles really necessary just to get pregnant? I guess in my case, the answer is yes, and that doesn't make a girl feel too good about herself.

My doctor changed my medication to Menopur. I had another check today and there was "not much growth" after my first shot. I didn't even ask what the sizes were, because I didn't think it was going to be much being that I only took the new med the night before. That probably isn't much time to grow. Give them a chance-they are slow!

I am glad that I went to acupuncture today. I went to a place that specializes in holistic treatments for fertility. It felt good and I felt like I was doing something else about growing those things other than the stupid injections (I am so done with it!) Soon after it was over, I was getting some good cramping, which RE's office told me was a good sign. So I am glad about that, even though it isn't that fun. But I felt glad that maybe it was working. It was great to have someone know exactly what you were talking about when you were explaining treatments, etc. I have been to other acupuncturists who were too sure about what I was talking about, and it made me nervous they may needle me in a place that wouldn't be good for someone trying to get pregnant. This place knew what they were doing, that is for sure, and that made me feel good. If any of you are considering it and live in the Chicago area, they are called Pulling Down the Moon www.pullingdownthemoon.com .

I go back to RE in a couple days, hopefully to find some big follies! I would really love for them to tell me I can trigger that night-I would be so excited!

Music Therapy

Feeling down today. I am not getting the growth that I wanted, and it is freaking me out. My lead follicles are only 11, when they were 10 on Monday and today is Thursday (CD 12). The many others I have have grown to 10. I don't have results of my estrogen level yet, or instructions on what to do next, waiting for that phone call. I am guessing my estrogen is still low, looking at the ultrasound. They keep mentioning about how I have so many follicles. I already know I have a lot, hence the polycystic ovary syndrome! I don't need them to keep telling me that, it makes me feel like I am a freak or something. I need encouragement from them-is that so hard to ask?

So today when I was home, I put my iPod on and put some music in my ears. I find it therapeutic to walk, dance or sing to some of my favorite songs. Some songs you can't help but move to. It changes your mood a bit maybe even for just a little while. I think I should do that more often. It blows off some steam so it doesn't wear on you physically, which is a big problem for me. Plus I don't want to make anyone else feel miserable.

I was asking God what to do today because I feel like I have to do something (or maybe not do something) to make these stupid things grow. But is trusting Him mean I don't do anything about it? That's been a big question I have had for years now. In infertility, what does trusting God with your situation mean? Does it mean you wait and not do anything and hope for the best (just like those precious infertile women in the Bible)? Or does it mean you do everything in your power to make it happen, including ART? Did God invent ART?

The control freak in me wants to do something, it helps with the waiting too I think. But am I angering God in doing that? Is it showing a lack of faith, which is something He is not too fond of? Maybe if I fast, I will feel like I am doing something and it's spiritual-but is that the wrong attitude to fast in? All of that mind twisting self talk is driving me a little bonkers. Sometimes I don't even want to pray because I can't get a straight answer on what to do, and that's what I want to know most of all-which is so frustrating!

I made an appointment to do infertility acupuncture tomorrow. I decided to do something and see if it helps. It makes the human side of me feel better. Plus I have had acupuncture before, and believe it can make a difference. It magically brought on periods for me before, maybe it can help bring a baby too. I will pray when I am getting needled. Maybe that will make the spiritual side of me feel better. ha ha!