Our Promise Child

As this pregnancy is coming to an end, my memories of all the dreams and wishes of this wonderment are flooding my mind. JJ and I recently celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been that long already. It really flew by looking back. We have been through so much (half of our marriage was TTC), and we are still so totally in love, it's hard to believe sometimes.

We went to Maui on our honeymoon, which was pure heaven. I would love to go back sometime. One night we just laid on the beach together, looking at the stars and dreaming of our future together. I remember laying there looking up at the stars and praying for babies, for a family with my husband. Then I saw the most amazing shooting star go across the heavens. It sent chills down my spine. I knew it was a sign from God that it would happen. It made me cry. That has happened 2 more times in my life. I can't call that a coincidence.
There were times when I forgot about that, when I was so engrossed in how treatments weren't working, how it looked like an impossibility. I remember a time when I was convinced it actually wasn't going to happen. I took everything I had that reminded me of God's promise and literally destroyed it in a crying rage. I made it into nothing with my bare hands. Everything on the outside literal world showed me signs it wasn't going to happen, and my faith couldn't carry me that day. I lost it.

I somehow found it again and continued. And look where we are now. 35 weeks pregnant with our promise--our little boy about to enter the world. As I feel him inside me, it is still hard to believe sometimes. GOD IS SO GOOD! I hated hearing "All in God's timing". Sometimes I still hate hearing that, but it was also my prayer, as hard as it was praying it. I wanted him to come when he was supposed to come in history. I am praying he is a strong man of God and that he continues to be a fulfillment of prophesy and promise in his life. I can't wait to see him and hold him and talk to him and be with him. It will be a dream come true.

The Nursery is Done!

Thanks to my parents coming over and helping me finish, the nursery is finally done. It was something that was really weighing on my mind, and I called my mom yesterday freaking out about how much I had to do yet, and couldn't do much around the house because of these dumb contractions I am having. So her and my dad came over and helped finish the nursery and clean, and I am so grateful. It is a huge weight lifted. I can honestly say that I am ready for him to come now, which is really exciting. But don't come yet!

Big Baby Maybe

So I went into the OB's and of course they measured me as usual and I was measuring at 38 cm--5 weeks ahead of where I am! This of course, freaked me out. I am not interested in trying to push a 10 lb. baby out of me. The last couple weeks I have been feeling quite big. When I read the updates on babycenter.com I have been feeling like the baby is bigger than what they have been saying it is. Now I may have confirmation of that! My OB suggested an US next week to check the size. We shall see what that reveals. The problem is that those are notoriously inaccurate, especially the closer to the due date you get. It will be nice to see him again anyway. My only consolation right now is some friends telling me they measured big too and had normal sized babies. I am riding on that hope right now!

Baby Shower

Had my shower last week, and it was wonderful. It went way too fast. I felt so blessed from everybody when I was opening the gifts. So many wonderful things! He is going to be spoiled! (Love that!)
Before the shower, I was getting anxious about how we didn't have anything and I felt so unready for the baby. I knew in my mind that I was going to have the shower, but there was this pull that would nag at me saying, "You aren't ready for the baby to come! What are you going to do?!!!" That feeling is much less now. Even though I have 2 more months to go, I feel like I need to have everything ready to the tee for some reason. Is this nesting? Whatever it is, it is quite strong. Amazing what instinct can do.
It was such a weird thing to attend a baby shower, and for it to be mine. The last couple of years, it has been difficult to attend baby showers for me. I just couldn't do it. It would hurt too much for me to see all that baby stuff (stuff that I wanted). I couldn't even shop in the baby section, so I couldn't get a gift either. This made me feel bad, but I also knew that I needed to do it for me, to avoid all the emotion wrapped up in it (and to avoid a panic attack!) It was wonderful that the first shower I could attend again was my own, and that I could enjoy it to the fullest. Praise God for answered prayer!
Enjoy some pics from the shower. It was great, and my family did such a wonderful job.

Contractions

I thought maybe I could get through this pregnancy without any complications, but alas, I was wrong. I was at work the other day and it happened to be a little stressful at the time and I couldn't really take a full lunch break (welcome to my work life) and I started to get some contractions. I have been having them on and off for weeks now, but nothing out of the ordinary Braxton-Hicks. They never lasted more than 30 seconds or so. But then I got a strong one that wouldn't go away. This freaked me out a bit. I laid down for 15 minutes (which was really hard to do with all the things I needed to do at the time, but I thought I have to put my baby before my patients-total mind trip) and it went away almost right away when I laid down. Then I got up and it returned. So I called my doc and she wanted me to go to L&D for a non-stress test. When she came and talked to me, she said she may have to give me some medication to stop the contractions, but they stopped on their own. She sent me home with instructions to keep my feet up until I have to work in 2 days.
Two days later I went to work and I started having contractions pretty often, so back to L&D I go. I was wheeled into the high risk OB and that made me start to cry. I realized this might be something more that we are looking for. They did an US of my cervix to measure the length and praise God it was nice and long. These contractions were not changing my cervix. So I was advised to change my work schedule from 12 hour shifts to 8 hour shifts and they said if they started to become regular and with a pattern I could follow, then I need to let them know. I will have to see the OB weekly now and take it easy on my day offs.
I have decided that I am not going to freak out about this and view it as my uterus getting strong for the work ahead, and maybe it will equal a shorter labor, and I'm all for that! I just have to listen to my body and drink lots of water. It has been hard to stop doing a lot at home, but I find if I'm not taking it easy, they return pretty frequently. So I have to rely on JJ for a lot of things and that can be difficult. I can't believe this baby is already slowing me down, but I guess I better get used to it!

Our Common Thread

It's amazing to me how open I am about my infertility sometimes. But I am so glad sometimes that I pipe up about it and share my struggles. Even being pregnant, I still have opportunities to share what I went through. Today I had a patient who was asking about my pregnancy and I shared about our struggles to get this blessing and she opened up about her DIL who was having problems. She has had 3 miscarriages already and is afraid of her chances dwindling because of her age. I was shocked to see the pain and concern on my patient's face as she shared how hard it has been for her DIL. I guess family members share in the pain too. I never thought of that before. I felt the freedom to share how hard it is when you want a baby so bad and it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant around you and the pain that you feel when that's happening. Even with my baby kicking inside me, I felt that pain again. I felt it for her and her DIL and I wanted to take it away because I know it, and I don't want anyone else to know it. I want them to know the joy of expecting a miracle. I will pray she gets her miracle, as we have.

The Doula Dilemma

I have been researching having a natural birth for years now. I just have been drawn to the fact that women for thousands of years have been giving birth, and their bodies are specifically designed for that purpose and who are we to interfere with that unless absolutely necessary? But now that I am faced with the prospect of having to actually deliver this human out of my body, the thought freaks me out a bit. I think its because the only exposure to it was in school and TV, and those weren't the type of experiences that I want to have. I recently have found testimonials of women who have had wonderful natural birth experiences, some of whom have had actual orgasms during birth. My question is-how is that possible? How can a woman go through what traditionally has been the most pain a woman ever goes through, but yet have these amazing feelings and feel totally fulfilled? That's what I want-a birth experience that is calm, fulfilling and joyous. I don't ever want to say, "I don't ever want to go through that again."

I am not pretending like it won't hurt. I am pretty sure it will. But what can I do to help my body do what it is supposed to do and increase those natural pain killers my body can make? I don't know. I want to know. There are so many options out there, but I don't know which will be right for me. Lamaze, Bradley method, hypnobirth? This causes some anxiety to say the least. Will I pick the right one, and will it work?
I have decided that I want to hire a doula, a birthing coach. She is right next to you during your labor and delivery and she helps you reach your goal of unmedicated birth with tips, labor coping methods, and coaching both the mother and father. I know full well that my doctor and my nurse will not be there the whole time, and I want that support with me because I want an unmedicated birth and frankly these days, that is not supported so much. With a doula though, it is supported and they will be my advocate in the labor room to which I am stuck giving birth in (insurance won't cover any other kind or any other hospital.)

I have been interviewing doulas in my area and decided it is definitely the route I want to take. I just have to come up with the money for it somehow. The most expensive one is $800 just for the doula services, not to mention the childbirth class that is $350. Ouch. But I think it will be worth it to have the birth experience I am after. I just have to find the right one that will fit our budget and personalities. I am definitely praying about this, praying for wisdom and that God shows me the right woman for the job. I am also praying that the baby comes when they are available (all of them interviewed are going on vacation within 2 weeks of my due date!!! That's a little unnerving!) Maybe you can pray too?