Hope Endures!

Since this big debacle with insurance not paying, it has been an emotional roller coaster. The waiting has been the worst part of it I think. But I recently have been getting some paperwork from them saying they have paid the doctor. Now I just need them to pay the hospital for my surgery, and we are golden! ( That is the biggest expense.)

Either way, with the insurance change, I will be able to stay with my doctor. It would have broken my heart to switch. Just the paperwork alone to start with a new doctor would have been ridiculous. The new insurance begins August 1, which means I could be taking the meds and start monitoring in a few weeks!!! I am totally excited about that. The meds have just been sitting in the fridge torturing me because I was working out this whole thing.

This was a major bump in the road to motherhood, and I have often wondered if God heard me-if He was in tune with what I was going through. I stopped today to think about it, and I realized He has given me signs that He has been there with me (that He is there for me.) Things like a sermon I listened to, encouragement and hugs from family and friends, reminders of His promise to us for children (however that may happen.) When His people were in the desert, He gave them daily provision in the form of manna and quail, and that was a daily miracle! But they were still in the desert, He allowed them to experience the desert. Do I ever feel like I am in a desert! I hope I am learning in it though, that my character is being exercised, and that it is growing. I hope that I don't become that "bitter infertle" I so often read and listen to. Do I understand the rants? YOU BETCHA (read some of my older posts)! But I can't let this change me for the worse. 

I want to be the person going through infertility who wants to invest in the children in her life currently, who can be excited for a friend who is pregnant or who just had a baby. Sometimes it's hard, I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the last thing I want to happen is let these years pass me by and regret what kind of person I was. And I know God will still be with me no matter what.

Anxiety-Go Away!

I am trying to figure out how do deal with stress. I keep reading about how IF is considered one of the most stressful things to go through, but I don't want to believe it, or I don't want it to "get" me. If it "gets" me, then I am not strong, and if I'm not strong, it may beat me. That's how I feel-beat up. But I can't figure out how to deal with it. I don't feel particularly overwhelmed all the time, but my body is certainly giving me other signs. The biggest one being that my sleep is just almost worthless lately. I actually physically jerk all night long. I fear that I will have to add another medication to the list (besides the stupid Ambien I already take). I have been trying to avoid that because hopefully I will be pregnant soon, and the less meds, the better (none would be great). I wonder though, if this "sleeping disorder" I have been diagnosed with is part of the anxiety disorder I have been trying to deal with. I know a lot of PCOS-ers deal with that.

I think I may be in some denial about the anxiety I feel, thinking that if I do x,y,z, then it will be better. Or maybe if I switch up the order I do things, or maybe I have to do them all that day at a certain time of the day. Then I wonder is worrying about that going to make me insane?!! Or cause me to have more anxiety? OH MY GOSH!

I have been wondering if the increased problems lately have been from this whole insurance debacle. But lately I have been receiving things hinting towards a good outcome, so you think that I would be less stressed about it. But it has caused us to wait even longer to start with the meds and monitoring. Can waiting make you stressed? I think unfulfilled dreams can. I think knowing you are destined for something and feeling like it's late in coming can. I need an intervention! I need a miracle.

Changes

I recently found out that my insurance is changing. I temporarily freaked out, because I thought the worst-now I definitely have to change doctors. I have to catch myself and remind myself to think of the possible positives first! So I thought, until you find out information, there is no sense in thinking anything. But it was on my mind all weekend. 

I just sent an appeal letter to my current insurance company regarding payment for my currently RE. I tried to go at it from an emotional as well as a right down to business point-the point that they messed up. I can only hope that it works. It is currently my only hope in the matter.

Today I called to see if my current RE will be "in network" in my new insurance, and they assured me that she is. Great! Now if only I can believe them. This is the problem I ran into last time. I do find it reassuring that so far they say she is, now I have to get my new card and check it against the internet site to see what it says. But the crazy thing is, they can say that, and turn around and say later that she isn't and then you are in a battle. I think that's what they want, is a battle and they hope you get battle weary. Believe me, if it wasn't so much money, I think I would get battle weary. I often think it might be easier to give up sometimes.

Now I have these medications staring at me everyday, waiting to help. I really can't wait to take them and see what happens. It is a hefty dose of Clomid (tried other doses before), then the trigger Ovidrel if needed. I needed to put them away today-shoved the Ovidrel to the back of the fridge and the Clomid in a closet. It seems like a tease right now, especially knowing I have to wait even longer now. Gosh, I think that is the hardest part, the waiting and the not knowing. Not knowing if this is going to work, and if it doesn't, what is the next step? Can I deal with needing to go the next step? Do I want to?

Excitement

I set up a day for my injectable to be delivered, and I got really excited for this to finally be underway. So far I haven't been active in the RE thing, just some Clomid and hoping for the best. I wasn't monitored or anything. So I feel like this is going to be the real thing, like we are really getting full into it now. I have been approaching this with some apprehension, I didn't want to get my hopes up and be utterly disappointed. The worst would be to not see any follies at all, although I don't want to be overstimmed also. But I really am hopeful.

I just need the insurance to agree to pay. That has been so hard to wait and see if they are going to agree to pay for the testing/surgery already done and the future things to be done. I thought I did what I needed to do to have this covered, but apparently I didn't do it correctly. Someone from the billing office in the clinic called me and told me he talked with insurance and explained how they are contracted with them and it should be covered and how they are going to resubmit it. This is some progress in the right direction. I realize the blessing I have in being covered 100% for infertility. So many don't have any coverage at all, and have to pay out of pocket. I couldn't imagine it. We couldn't do all this without coverage, that's for sure. We have to be active in supporting legislation for coverage in all states.

I know it is going to happen, just how and when is the question. The BIG question. I just have to stay positive and hope for the best!

Here's Hoping

I am finally feeling better, back to my old self again. I am currently trying to find the motivation to get back into the gym. I am excited I feel like I can do that again. It took way too long to recover from surgery. Now I am waiting to finish the pack of BCP's and then try the Clomid and Ovidrel. I have to say, I love being on BCP's. My skin is better, I feel better--it's amazing how when you get your hormones straight, you feel good! I can only hope this continues when I am pregnant. When I am pregnant--that sounds weird. I am saying "when" in faith! 

I really hope that it happens in the first round. This year has been so hard. I am not sure I could take it if it didn't work fairly quickly. I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown. I had a mini breakdown the other day. This insurance thing is really taking me for a ride. I spoke with a billing rep at my doc's office and he said he spoke with the insurance co. stating that they are contracted with them, and they should resubmit the claims. He said it should take about 2 weeks to be resubmitted. In the meantime, I wait and pray and hope that they accept them and pay for them. Otherwise we are in the hole about $4,000. Something we were not prepared for. Ahh insurance, you love 'em and you hate 'em!

Waiting

I can't believe it, but I am still trying to recover from this stinkin' surgery. I saw Dr. RE on Thursday, and she was surprised too. As long as things aren't getting worse, then everything is OK she said. But since my uterus doesn't seem to like what happened, I have to wait longer until we start treatment.

Longer. Wait. WHAT?!! I feel like all I have been doing is wait. I am so done with waiting. And to top it off, I may have to switch doctors. I am so upset about this, I just want to vomit. I contacted my insurance asking them why they aren't paying, and they said she isn't "in the network", which is a necessity if they are to pay. I checked, and she was in network, on one of them. They need to be in "both", meaning on my hospital's network also. How I am supposed to know this is the mystery. I know they just don't want to pay. The kicker is, I called them a couple weeks ago about this issue, and they said that she was. And the weird thing is, her colleague in the same large practice in a city a lot farther is in both networks. Go figure. So now I may have to pay a huge amount we weren't prepared to pay, and that included this recent surgery. I am freaking out just a little.

I think I am more upset about being in the middle of treatment and possibly having to switch and wait even longer. Lately it seems as if everything is working against us with this trying to get pregnant thing. It makes me want to throw in the towel sometimes. Maybe that would be easier. It just gets difficult to stay positive all the time. It really takes some effort. Oh God give me the strength to get through this!!

I couldn't sleep last night. I was having some back pain and that sparked the typical sleep issues I have. As exhausted as I was, I decided to try and read. I have been making my way through the Old Testament recently and I came across the story of the waters of Marah being healed in Exodus. When the Israelites came to the waters at Marah, they couldn't drink it because it was bitter. But the Lord made the water sweet and drinkable. As I was reading the story, what struck me was that before this miracle, it says that "For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water." (Ex. 15:22) If you aren't drinking anything for three days, you are very thirsty. Actually you need water soon, or you won't live much longer. God was the one leading them through the desert, and yet no water for them. Why?

I believe God had them in this situation so they could come to a place of desperation. They were dry, they needed Him to come to their rescue. I have felt dry myself so many times in this journey. I am the one who feels desperate for a miracle, wanting God to show up and do His thing--what I know He can do. The waters of infertility are bitter, just like those waters at Marah. But God made them sweet. He healed the waters. He declared, "I am the Lord, who heals you." (vs. 26) I believe He brings us to a place where we need Him to heal us. He wants us to recognize that we are dry without His intervention, without His healing. Once God touched those waters, they were sweet. May He make our stories so sweet with His healing touch.