Excitement

I set up a day for my injectable to be delivered, and I got really excited for this to finally be underway. So far I haven't been active in the RE thing, just some Clomid and hoping for the best. I wasn't monitored or anything. So I feel like this is going to be the real thing, like we are really getting full into it now. I have been approaching this with some apprehension, I didn't want to get my hopes up and be utterly disappointed. The worst would be to not see any follies at all, although I don't want to be overstimmed also. But I really am hopeful.

I just need the insurance to agree to pay. That has been so hard to wait and see if they are going to agree to pay for the testing/surgery already done and the future things to be done. I thought I did what I needed to do to have this covered, but apparently I didn't do it correctly. Someone from the billing office in the clinic called me and told me he talked with insurance and explained how they are contracted with them and it should be covered and how they are going to resubmit it. This is some progress in the right direction. I realize the blessing I have in being covered 100% for infertility. So many don't have any coverage at all, and have to pay out of pocket. I couldn't imagine it. We couldn't do all this without coverage, that's for sure. We have to be active in supporting legislation for coverage in all states.

I know it is going to happen, just how and when is the question. The BIG question. I just have to stay positive and hope for the best!

Here's Hoping

I am finally feeling better, back to my old self again. I am currently trying to find the motivation to get back into the gym. I am excited I feel like I can do that again. It took way too long to recover from surgery. Now I am waiting to finish the pack of BCP's and then try the Clomid and Ovidrel. I have to say, I love being on BCP's. My skin is better, I feel better--it's amazing how when you get your hormones straight, you feel good! I can only hope this continues when I am pregnant. When I am pregnant--that sounds weird. I am saying "when" in faith! 

I really hope that it happens in the first round. This year has been so hard. I am not sure I could take it if it didn't work fairly quickly. I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown. I had a mini breakdown the other day. This insurance thing is really taking me for a ride. I spoke with a billing rep at my doc's office and he said he spoke with the insurance co. stating that they are contracted with them, and they should resubmit the claims. He said it should take about 2 weeks to be resubmitted. In the meantime, I wait and pray and hope that they accept them and pay for them. Otherwise we are in the hole about $4,000. Something we were not prepared for. Ahh insurance, you love 'em and you hate 'em!

Waiting

I can't believe it, but I am still trying to recover from this stinkin' surgery. I saw Dr. RE on Thursday, and she was surprised too. As long as things aren't getting worse, then everything is OK she said. But since my uterus doesn't seem to like what happened, I have to wait longer until we start treatment.

Longer. Wait. WHAT?!! I feel like all I have been doing is wait. I am so done with waiting. And to top it off, I may have to switch doctors. I am so upset about this, I just want to vomit. I contacted my insurance asking them why they aren't paying, and they said she isn't "in the network", which is a necessity if they are to pay. I checked, and she was in network, on one of them. They need to be in "both", meaning on my hospital's network also. How I am supposed to know this is the mystery. I know they just don't want to pay. The kicker is, I called them a couple weeks ago about this issue, and they said that she was. And the weird thing is, her colleague in the same large practice in a city a lot farther is in both networks. Go figure. So now I may have to pay a huge amount we weren't prepared to pay, and that included this recent surgery. I am freaking out just a little.

I think I am more upset about being in the middle of treatment and possibly having to switch and wait even longer. Lately it seems as if everything is working against us with this trying to get pregnant thing. It makes me want to throw in the towel sometimes. Maybe that would be easier. It just gets difficult to stay positive all the time. It really takes some effort. Oh God give me the strength to get through this!!

I couldn't sleep last night. I was having some back pain and that sparked the typical sleep issues I have. As exhausted as I was, I decided to try and read. I have been making my way through the Old Testament recently and I came across the story of the waters of Marah being healed in Exodus. When the Israelites came to the waters at Marah, they couldn't drink it because it was bitter. But the Lord made the water sweet and drinkable. As I was reading the story, what struck me was that before this miracle, it says that "For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water." (Ex. 15:22) If you aren't drinking anything for three days, you are very thirsty. Actually you need water soon, or you won't live much longer. God was the one leading them through the desert, and yet no water for them. Why?

I believe God had them in this situation so they could come to a place of desperation. They were dry, they needed Him to come to their rescue. I have felt dry myself so many times in this journey. I am the one who feels desperate for a miracle, wanting God to show up and do His thing--what I know He can do. The waters of infertility are bitter, just like those waters at Marah. But God made them sweet. He healed the waters. He declared, "I am the Lord, who heals you." (vs. 26) I believe He brings us to a place where we need Him to heal us. He wants us to recognize that we are dry without His intervention, without His healing. Once God touched those waters, they were sweet. May He make our stories so sweet with His healing touch.

Surgery Stories

I have to admit, it was nerve-wracking. I was surprised about the nervousness that I felt. I felt it the day before, but the actual day I felt fine. I had a peace that I could not explain. I knew yesterday that it would be OK. 

We had to wake up at 4:30 am to get the hospital on time. When we got there, they had me change into a gown and try to stay warm with that and a small blanket. Then the question came: "Could you be pregnant, do we need to take a test?" Uh, no. "Are you sure?" Yes. (I wanted to say, "Pretty sure lady, that's why I am here. And on top of me not being able to get pregnant, Dr. RE put me on BCP's to thin my uterine lining so, no, not pregnant and don't ask me again and please pass it on to everyone else, cuz I know they are going to ask me too.") I knew it would just be one more thing on the bill that I would have to fight with insurance for. (SOOO sick of doing that!)

Then the IV, right in the hand. OUCH. They like putting what I like to call "hoses" in you before surgery. They let that IV bag run dry by the time they moved me to "holding", so my bladder was ready to burst, which is what Dr. RE wanted. Then the RN with the happy juice med that makes you not care about anything came in and gave me "the stuff" into the hose. Why do they do that before the Dr comes in? By the time she came in, I didn't care what they were going to do, and I forgot all my questions for her. I didn't remember them until I got home! 

Then came the OR. They wheeled me in, put oxygen in me, and I don't remember anything after that. Nice. That's what I wanted. I don't want to remember any of it.

Dr. RE told JJ it was just one fibroid. She gave him some pictures. It looks relatively small. I am glad to get that little sucker out of there and she was able to do it all vaginally.

I woke up in my room in pain, a pain I haven't experienced before. It was sharp and in my lower abdomen and vagina, and I wanted it gone. I also felt like I had to use the bathroom, but I knew it was too soon to get up. I felt though, that if I went, it would relieve some of the pain. I had to wait for that though. The nurse gave me some pain medicine, and that helped a little so I could go back to sleep. Then I woke up and thought my bladder was going to explode. So the nurse helped me up, and I felt much better after that. Some more sleeping, and more meds happened until I was awake enough to drink (finally--and it relieved my terrible breath JJ said I had) and eat and then go home.

It was good to be home. I slept for a few more hours. I had pain the rest of the day, but it was tolerable with just some ibuprofen. It got annoying towards the end of the day, but today I hardly have any. I think I can get back to work tomorrow--back to real life again.

I have a follow up visit next week where I am sure that we will discuss the next step. I am hoping I won't have to wait several months or something. I am hoping we start right in on it. I am done waiting!! Baby here we come!! (Oh Lord make it happen on the first try!)

Cyber Hugs

Oh how I love ICLW week! I just want to thank those of you who stopped by and gave me a cyber hug with all your wonderful comments. It is so refreshing to know there are people out there who understand and care. As you know, it can be difficult sharing with people in the "fertile world". They just don't understand, and I don't expect them to (although a little sympathy and compassion doesn't hurt anybody.) 

I have had a great time visiting your own blogs and sharing in your journey also. The joys and pains, the rants and raves--I love it all. How blessed are we that we can share with each other? I am so glad I am a part of this group--a group that knows what pain is, that knows grief, heartache, loss. We also know joy, encouragement, learning lessons (hopefully!), empathy for others, and love. I think we are great at loving each other, which is going to make us great parents some day! 

So I say keep up the good work people! And a huge cyber hug right back at ya!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Attitudes

JJ and I were talking the other day about how our marriage is actually surviving this IF thing. He was saying how it is hard for him to understand how some marriages have difficulty or don't last through it. I told him I can totally see it. Especially if your hormones are out of wack when you are taking meds, or whenever you have sex, all you can think of is, "Is this the time we are going to conceive?" or "Why isn't this working for us?" That can put a strain on a marriage.

But ultimately, I think it is about your attitude. I believe you ultimately choose your attitude about things. Yes, things can be difficult. The frustration and questions of why will forever haunt you. But after the cry and anger, you have to ask in the end if you are going to to choose to learn from this and take it as something that is making you stronger. I am constantly reminding myself that this is going to make me a better person if I let it, and ultimately a better mother. Isn't that what we are striving for, motherhood (and being good at it)? If we are choosing motherhood, don't we want to be the best that we can be? And if we let this get us, I don't think we will survive motherhood well. It is definitely a challenge, just like marriage.  I would like to think that this is an opportunity that a lot of other mothers (or people for that matter) have not had. My wait, as hard as it is, is preparing me for what's ahead, and many have not had that opportunity. I often wonder if I will have a more fulfilling parenting experience than the others will ultimately have. 

I heard something today in church that really sums up the hard things we go through. The guest pastor said, "A faith sandwich doesn't taste very good, but it is really filling." I was thinking, if all you focus on is the taste, it won't be filling, because you won't eat it. But what if you choose to eat it and you get filled? In the end, you will be satisfied. God will not let you be empty. He has us going through this for a reason, but we have to choose to learn, have a good attitude, and become better people.