Cyber Hugs

Oh how I love ICLW week! I just want to thank those of you who stopped by and gave me a cyber hug with all your wonderful comments. It is so refreshing to know there are people out there who understand and care. As you know, it can be difficult sharing with people in the "fertile world". They just don't understand, and I don't expect them to (although a little sympathy and compassion doesn't hurt anybody.) 

I have had a great time visiting your own blogs and sharing in your journey also. The joys and pains, the rants and raves--I love it all. How blessed are we that we can share with each other? I am so glad I am a part of this group--a group that knows what pain is, that knows grief, heartache, loss. We also know joy, encouragement, learning lessons (hopefully!), empathy for others, and love. I think we are great at loving each other, which is going to make us great parents some day! 

So I say keep up the good work people! And a huge cyber hug right back at ya!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Attitudes

JJ and I were talking the other day about how our marriage is actually surviving this IF thing. He was saying how it is hard for him to understand how some marriages have difficulty or don't last through it. I told him I can totally see it. Especially if your hormones are out of wack when you are taking meds, or whenever you have sex, all you can think of is, "Is this the time we are going to conceive?" or "Why isn't this working for us?" That can put a strain on a marriage.

But ultimately, I think it is about your attitude. I believe you ultimately choose your attitude about things. Yes, things can be difficult. The frustration and questions of why will forever haunt you. But after the cry and anger, you have to ask in the end if you are going to to choose to learn from this and take it as something that is making you stronger. I am constantly reminding myself that this is going to make me a better person if I let it, and ultimately a better mother. Isn't that what we are striving for, motherhood (and being good at it)? If we are choosing motherhood, don't we want to be the best that we can be? And if we let this get us, I don't think we will survive motherhood well. It is definitely a challenge, just like marriage.  I would like to think that this is an opportunity that a lot of other mothers (or people for that matter) have not had. My wait, as hard as it is, is preparing me for what's ahead, and many have not had that opportunity. I often wonder if I will have a more fulfilling parenting experience than the others will ultimately have. 

I heard something today in church that really sums up the hard things we go through. The guest pastor said, "A faith sandwich doesn't taste very good, but it is really filling." I was thinking, if all you focus on is the taste, it won't be filling, because you won't eat it. But what if you choose to eat it and you get filled? In the end, you will be satisfied. God will not let you be empty. He has us going through this for a reason, but we have to choose to learn, have a good attitude, and become better people. 

Testing and the Big Mouth

Went in to Dr. RE's to get more blood testing to see if I have ovulated. Uh, der! I could have told you I didn't without the expensive blood work. That's been the difficulty with getting pregnant, you kinda need to O, and I don't. So it's provera for me to get a period, then birth control pills to thin my lining, then surgery.

I am already SO done with all the blood work. I think between all the testing I recently had to rule out epilepsy and every other disease and the current infertility issues, I have given my weight in blood. The lady taking my blood today asked me if I drank water before I came in to "puff my veins out". I told her yes, just to make her more comfortable. But my kidneys work good, so doing that won't work, sorry lady. She asked if I have had blood taken a lot, and then she looked at my vein that everyone likes to poke and she said, "Oh yes you have! You ladies always need to give a lot of blood." Hey, let's not comment on anything, OK? I realize I have scars to remind me of all the testing I have gone through. Just get the blood quickly and relatively painlessly and don't talk. You can ask me about the weather, and that's about it. 

They should make it a requirement that those who don't know what is going on with you shouldn't say anything. I am beginning to think those stupid things at work about "scripting" are really needed for some people. How can you teach good manners to someone? You can't. But you can ask them to memorize what to say. I always thought that was ridiculous, but recently I am realizing some people need it. 

Unfortunately not everyone in healthcare has been through something major with their health. I personally think that every one of us should be a patient before we treat other people. Going through all of this has taught me empathy for my patients. I have learned how to speak in their language. Because if you are scared, you need simple terms, definitely not medical talk. You need someone to hear you and not talk at you. You just need someone loving. I strive for that every time I am at someone's bedside. For that learning experience I am so grateful. I know I am a better nurse for it. 

The Hardest Day

Mother's Day. It has been a difficult day for me for years now. I am usually at church that day, and the whole stinkin' service revolves around mothers, children, etc. It is really hard to sit through. There are wishes of "Happy Mother's Day" everywhere, gifts given to all the women, and kids specials. The worst is getting the gift. I don't take it. It is a reminder of the day. And everyone is asking me why I didn't take it and I don't want to be a downer and tell them why. I am sure they might think I am a little over the edge.

Luckily, I have to work tomorrow, and for that I am grateful. It will keep my mind off it. If I didn't have to work, I am sure that I would be staying home. I don't think I can take it anymore. I can't take baby showers anymore either, which I really hate. I had a friend at work recently who had a shower, and I had to explain to her why I wasn't going to come. It hurt to miss it, I wanted to support her. But it hurts even more to see all that baby stuff. Just can't handle it. I have to work up a hard shell to go shopping for them too. I find doing it online to be a lot better. I can click on what I want and send it to them. That way I don't have to spend 20 minutes in the baby section trying to find what they have registered for-pure torture.

I can't wait to celebrate Mother's Day again, when I am a mother. Until then, it is going to be the hardest day of the year. 

Our Common Hope

This past week I was at work and the dreaded question was asked (as it frequently does), "Do you have children?" Which is of course is a no, then they usually say something like "why not, you should", etc. I have the privilege of interacting with a lot of people being a nurse and I am frequently asked the question and it is a heart-wrenching conversation that follows.

This day was a bit different. I was asked the question and I simply said no. Sometimes that stops further questioning, mostly not. People need details I guess. After the no response my patient's wife said, "Well don't wait to try, you should do it now." I was flabbergasted! What does she know? Well turns out she knows from experience. Her and her husband married later in life and she went through everything you can think of in the IF world. We shared stories and heartaches and the many "why?" questions we have for God when we get to heaven. Why do those teenagers who have no support system get pregnant and we don't? Why does the mother who is hooked on drugs gets pregnant? Why do people who don't want children have children, and those of us who desperately want them can't? I think those are some pretty good ones. 

We were able to share in our pain and joy. They were able to adopt a beautiful 4 year old girl whose parents basically didn't want her anymore. She has been a pure joy in their lives for the past 2 years now. How wonderful she can live in a home where her parents desperately wanted her. Her adoption answered some of their "why" questions. Why didn't her parents want her? Because God hand-picked her out for them. That's where their infertility road lead them-to her and the making of their family. 

They were so encouraging and loving to me. It is so nice to talk with people who totally get what you are going through. There is such support and love in that. Something she said really struck me. She said that you will have your story too. You will have your children someday too. No matter what, it will happen, and we will pray for you. 

Thank you Mr and Mrs L for that. It was a wonderful encouragement in a place where it is hard to be "infertile". You lifted my spirits and gave me great hope! And thank you for giving infertility a voice. I often think we are too silent on that, even with each other but we should continue the conversation in a positive and encouraging way. I am praying for you too-the Mr and Mrs L's on the planet and the brothers and sisters with empty broken hearts. You will have your story, I just know it. God is in the business of blessing people, and He is really good at it! We just have to trust it is in His way, which is the best way for us by far.

Girdle Support

What would I do without friends? Friends who can gird you up with support, even if they can't totally understand what is going on in your life, they still lift and support you like a good girdle should. Sometimes you just need to vent, whether it be about work, personal stuff-anything. And when you are done, they give their support. It's wonderful!

I have been nervous about this surgery. Although considered a minor one, my nursing mind thinks of the worst. Dr. RE wants to do it in a hospital because of my anatomy (my uterus is anterior and basically sticking straight up, so things can get a little difficult when that's the case.) I wonder if she is going to make me wear a girdle after? Sometimes I wish those were still the norm-I would look a lot better I think. I digress...

Anyway, telling friends about my "minor surgery" (and that's about all I have told them at this point) helps relieve some of the stress involved. I know they will be thinking and praying about it, and that helps ease my mind. I am so glad to have them in my life on a regular basis, and know they will be there through anything with their support. They even lie to me and tell me I am skinny. Kinda like a good girdle.

I Like Sugar

I like carbs in general. If I could eat cookies and pasta all day long, I would. Could meaning it would not make me gain weight and it would be nutritionally good for me. That's going to be my heaven-floating on a cloud with a bowl of white pasta with cheese and cookies and ice cream for dessert. 

But alas, I have PCOS. Again, I would like to blame the fact that I am in need of some weight loss on the PCOS, and it may be partly to blame. I do fluctuate about 5 lbs with no reason whatsoever. But a large part of it may be because I love sugar.

So do I have a large stash of it in my house? NO. If I did, I know I would be a lot heavier than I am now. I really do struggle with it at the grocery store. In fact, it is rare I visit the "crackers and cookies" isle. (I find it amusing and helpful they are in the same isle).  It is definitely a struggle to make good choices on a daily basis. Being a nurse, I have some idea of what is good for me nutritionally, and I try to keep it rounded. Trying to get all my veggies and fruit can be difficult. But I have found that smoothies are easy and you can shove a couple pieces of fruit in one glass. I have a hard time believing there are many people that get the "recommended" amount of fruits and veggies in in one day. If you look at that list (aka the food guide pyramid) that's a lot of them! How do you have time? I think that's about all you should eat during the day, just to fit them all in. But my focus is to build a healthy body for my future children, whether I bear them or not. And that is what I have to keep in mind to keep me motivated, and that's pretty good motivation.