Needles

It dawned on me that I have a lot of needles in my life right now: needles for blood draws, needles for the meds I am taking, and now acupuncture needles. That's a lot of needles! Then the thought that comes to me so often appeared again-has it really come to this? Are all of these needles really necessary just to get pregnant? I guess in my case, the answer is yes, and that doesn't make a girl feel too good about herself.

My doctor changed my medication to Menopur. I had another check today and there was "not much growth" after my first shot. I didn't even ask what the sizes were, because I didn't think it was going to be much being that I only took the new med the night before. That probably isn't much time to grow. Give them a chance-they are slow!

I am glad that I went to acupuncture today. I went to a place that specializes in holistic treatments for fertility. It felt good and I felt like I was doing something else about growing those things other than the stupid injections (I am so done with it!) Soon after it was over, I was getting some good cramping, which RE's office told me was a good sign. So I am glad about that, even though it isn't that fun. But I felt glad that maybe it was working. It was great to have someone know exactly what you were talking about when you were explaining treatments, etc. I have been to other acupuncturists who were too sure about what I was talking about, and it made me nervous they may needle me in a place that wouldn't be good for someone trying to get pregnant. This place knew what they were doing, that is for sure, and that made me feel good. If any of you are considering it and live in the Chicago area, they are called Pulling Down the Moon www.pullingdownthemoon.com .

I go back to RE in a couple days, hopefully to find some big follies! I would really love for them to tell me I can trigger that night-I would be so excited!

Music Therapy

Feeling down today. I am not getting the growth that I wanted, and it is freaking me out. My lead follicles are only 11, when they were 10 on Monday and today is Thursday (CD 12). The many others I have have grown to 10. I don't have results of my estrogen level yet, or instructions on what to do next, waiting for that phone call. I am guessing my estrogen is still low, looking at the ultrasound. They keep mentioning about how I have so many follicles. I already know I have a lot, hence the polycystic ovary syndrome! I don't need them to keep telling me that, it makes me feel like I am a freak or something. I need encouragement from them-is that so hard to ask?

So today when I was home, I put my iPod on and put some music in my ears. I find it therapeutic to walk, dance or sing to some of my favorite songs. Some songs you can't help but move to. It changes your mood a bit maybe even for just a little while. I think I should do that more often. It blows off some steam so it doesn't wear on you physically, which is a big problem for me. Plus I don't want to make anyone else feel miserable.

I was asking God what to do today because I feel like I have to do something (or maybe not do something) to make these stupid things grow. But is trusting Him mean I don't do anything about it? That's been a big question I have had for years now. In infertility, what does trusting God with your situation mean? Does it mean you wait and not do anything and hope for the best (just like those precious infertile women in the Bible)? Or does it mean you do everything in your power to make it happen, including ART? Did God invent ART?

The control freak in me wants to do something, it helps with the waiting too I think. But am I angering God in doing that? Is it showing a lack of faith, which is something He is not too fond of? Maybe if I fast, I will feel like I am doing something and it's spiritual-but is that the wrong attitude to fast in? All of that mind twisting self talk is driving me a little bonkers. Sometimes I don't even want to pray because I can't get a straight answer on what to do, and that's what I want to know most of all-which is so frustrating!

I made an appointment to do infertility acupuncture tomorrow. I decided to do something and see if it helps. It makes the human side of me feel better. Plus I have had acupuncture before, and believe it can make a difference. It magically brought on periods for me before, maybe it can help bring a baby too. I will pray when I am getting needled. Maybe that will make the spiritual side of me feel better. ha ha!

Follie Check

Went in for a check today. There are 4 follicles at 10, but my estrogen didn't change hardly at all. So the follicles have gotten bigger from 8. So another increase in the Bravelle. That makes 3 vials now. It takes me (what seems like) a long time just to draw it up! I am so done with the injections now. I asked the nurse if it is a bad sign that I am not responding to these doses. She said no, my ovaries just need the equivalent of a caffeine boost, they need extra help. That made me feel better, I was worrying about my chances not being good if I need to keep increasing it.

It doesn't help the bad attitude I had this afternoon when I had to deal with the nurse sending the refill into the wrong pharmacy. Then I had to deal with insurance--AGAIN. I am so sick of things going wrong with all this, especially insurance. I gave them an earful today. They said it was coded wrong. Again, can everyone please just do their job properly so I can stay sane? Don't mess with a woman on hormones! I will find you and hurt you!

To all of you in the blogosphere, my husband JJ says hi!

CD 6, Bravelle #4

Went in at the crack of dawn for ultrasound and bloodwork. My uterine lining is thicker (I could tell on the US, I don't think I have seen it that thick before, but what do I know?) and I have about 7 follies that are responding. But my estrogen level didn't budge, so I am doubling my dose of Bravelle. Yikes! I am so freaked about feeling like crap on this. Or turning into the wicked witch. But so far I have just had some minor GI issues. I won't go into any more detail than that! I did have it out with the toaster the other day. It burnt my bagel and I just had to yell at it. "If I wanted it black, I would have put it on the black setting you stupid thing! Arrrg!"

So somehow I have to get more meds by Monday evening. The pharmacy called and said it will be there by Tuesday. "NO, I said I need it by Monday evening." Then she said, "Well it's the weekend, and we don't ship on the weekend." "So then courier it on Monday like you have done before." Ahh, MAKE IT HAPPEN lady, I need it by Monday evening. Don't ruin this for me! "Let me put you on hold while I speak with my supervisor." Then she came back and now magically they can send it over the weekend! Wall-ah! Isn't that marvelous how that works? Come on people just make this a little more easy for me, PLEASE?!!!

I am so glad that I am not working on Monday when I have to go in again. So far I haven't had to worry about that. That is a big part of the stress of all this! (Among dealing with stupid people!)

I keep going back and forth over whether to do timed intercourse or IUI. In many ways, I want this to be as natural as possible. We said we would do the least interventions first. Plus we haven't actually seen if it works when I actually ovulate. But then I think of my tipped uterus and how the whole team keeps referring to my "IUI cycle" and I have to remind them that it's timed intercourse. "OK, yeah" is the response I get as they study their computer screens and not me. It would increase my chances they have told me. And what if I didn't get pregnant? Would I be saying maybe it would have happened if I did IUI? I know I would be saying that. I also hate to put JJ through that also. It just stinks. He would have to miss work, and do what he needs to do-yuck. But I know he would do it for our family.

Ugh! Don't know what to do!

CD 3, Bravelle day #1

Today I had my baseline ultrasound and labs, and everything looks like it's a go. The nurse asked if I had the consents with me and I totally forgot about it. The problem is we both have to be there for them to witness us signing them, so coordinating that was becoming difficult. Then eventually I forgot about them. Then she said I can't start until we get those signed. I had a little freak out in the office. Another setback??!!

Then I realized JJ was working close to the office today. He hasn't worked in that area for awhile, so the chances of that happening were slim. So I called him, and he happened to be driving very close to the office. He was able to stop by and sign with me within about 10 minutes of calling him! If that isn't God, I don't know what is!

The other thing that we praised God for was that I finally had no balance at the office. I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime for insurance to pay them, and it was becoming embarrassing every time I was there saying that they should be paying any time now. Other than dealing with infertility, dealing with this insurance thing has been the most stressful thing I have had to deal with.

So I injected myself this evening for the first time. Luckily it was a small needle, so the poke was not bad at all. It did sting when it went in, and I can tell something happened there now, but it doesn't really hurt. It was weird mixing and drawing up my own medication. I am used to doing it for other patients, not me. I had to just not think about what I was doing so I could just do it really quick. I couldn't give myself time to think about it or I think I would freak out. I decided to do the injections in the room where our baby's room will be when he or she comes. I don't want it all out in the open as a constant reminder, and I want to know that room is good for something right now. I can tell the baby later what I did in that room so they could be a part of our family.

I am really hoping this will work for us. I am so ready for it to happen. Next month marks 3 years of trying for a baby for us. Not a good anniversary, but hopefully we can get some good news next month, instead of thinking about what October means for us. I still trust in you Lord; I know you can do it!

Really?

Has it really come to this? Do I really need to inject myself with drugs to get pregnant? I think I am still in shock. I am still surprised that it takes all of this to get a baby. I had a feeling it might take a little more effort than most, but this is ridiculous. I wonder what these powerful meds will do to my body. As a nurse, I see side effects from meds all the time. I even give more meds to help with the side effects of them. How will this effect me? Clomid was hard this time around. I really felt not good. I am hoping I feel much better on these than that last round of Clomid. I am not expecting I will feel like myself, but no more headaches please. Those were not fun. Oh God make this work-it's in your hands, I trust in you.

Restart

Back from our mini break. It was nice to just focus on JJ and his family, and not have to think about anything IF related. It was great. We did have our phone consultation with Dr. RE on Friday morning. It went well. She asked how I felt on the Clomid and I told her how I felt like crap. (I am still wondering why she asked this.) Then she said, take a pregnancy test, if negative, start Provera to get your period and then we will do injectables. She said she is sure I will ovulate, but is concerned about me overstimming. It was great to hear her confidence that it will work. She kept talking about how we don't want triplets, and I reassured her that we don't want that either. Twins, OK. Triplets, no. It's not fair to the babies, and the chances of me having to do bedrest and all that is greater, and I can't afford that in many ways. It also means time in NICU which I definitely don't want.

So I start the Provera tomorrow after the test, which I would be shocked if it were BFP. Then I call and get more instructions. To the future!