Music Therapy

Feeling down today. I am not getting the growth that I wanted, and it is freaking me out. My lead follicles are only 11, when they were 10 on Monday and today is Thursday (CD 12). The many others I have have grown to 10. I don't have results of my estrogen level yet, or instructions on what to do next, waiting for that phone call. I am guessing my estrogen is still low, looking at the ultrasound. They keep mentioning about how I have so many follicles. I already know I have a lot, hence the polycystic ovary syndrome! I don't need them to keep telling me that, it makes me feel like I am a freak or something. I need encouragement from them-is that so hard to ask?

So today when I was home, I put my iPod on and put some music in my ears. I find it therapeutic to walk, dance or sing to some of my favorite songs. Some songs you can't help but move to. It changes your mood a bit maybe even for just a little while. I think I should do that more often. It blows off some steam so it doesn't wear on you physically, which is a big problem for me. Plus I don't want to make anyone else feel miserable.

I was asking God what to do today because I feel like I have to do something (or maybe not do something) to make these stupid things grow. But is trusting Him mean I don't do anything about it? That's been a big question I have had for years now. In infertility, what does trusting God with your situation mean? Does it mean you wait and not do anything and hope for the best (just like those precious infertile women in the Bible)? Or does it mean you do everything in your power to make it happen, including ART? Did God invent ART?

The control freak in me wants to do something, it helps with the waiting too I think. But am I angering God in doing that? Is it showing a lack of faith, which is something He is not too fond of? Maybe if I fast, I will feel like I am doing something and it's spiritual-but is that the wrong attitude to fast in? All of that mind twisting self talk is driving me a little bonkers. Sometimes I don't even want to pray because I can't get a straight answer on what to do, and that's what I want to know most of all-which is so frustrating!

I made an appointment to do infertility acupuncture tomorrow. I decided to do something and see if it helps. It makes the human side of me feel better. Plus I have had acupuncture before, and believe it can make a difference. It magically brought on periods for me before, maybe it can help bring a baby too. I will pray when I am getting needled. Maybe that will make the spiritual side of me feel better. ha ha!

Follie Check

Went in for a check today. There are 4 follicles at 10, but my estrogen didn't change hardly at all. So the follicles have gotten bigger from 8. So another increase in the Bravelle. That makes 3 vials now. It takes me (what seems like) a long time just to draw it up! I am so done with the injections now. I asked the nurse if it is a bad sign that I am not responding to these doses. She said no, my ovaries just need the equivalent of a caffeine boost, they need extra help. That made me feel better, I was worrying about my chances not being good if I need to keep increasing it.

It doesn't help the bad attitude I had this afternoon when I had to deal with the nurse sending the refill into the wrong pharmacy. Then I had to deal with insurance--AGAIN. I am so sick of things going wrong with all this, especially insurance. I gave them an earful today. They said it was coded wrong. Again, can everyone please just do their job properly so I can stay sane? Don't mess with a woman on hormones! I will find you and hurt you!

To all of you in the blogosphere, my husband JJ says hi!

CD 6, Bravelle #4

Went in at the crack of dawn for ultrasound and bloodwork. My uterine lining is thicker (I could tell on the US, I don't think I have seen it that thick before, but what do I know?) and I have about 7 follies that are responding. But my estrogen level didn't budge, so I am doubling my dose of Bravelle. Yikes! I am so freaked about feeling like crap on this. Or turning into the wicked witch. But so far I have just had some minor GI issues. I won't go into any more detail than that! I did have it out with the toaster the other day. It burnt my bagel and I just had to yell at it. "If I wanted it black, I would have put it on the black setting you stupid thing! Arrrg!"

So somehow I have to get more meds by Monday evening. The pharmacy called and said it will be there by Tuesday. "NO, I said I need it by Monday evening." Then she said, "Well it's the weekend, and we don't ship on the weekend." "So then courier it on Monday like you have done before." Ahh, MAKE IT HAPPEN lady, I need it by Monday evening. Don't ruin this for me! "Let me put you on hold while I speak with my supervisor." Then she came back and now magically they can send it over the weekend! Wall-ah! Isn't that marvelous how that works? Come on people just make this a little more easy for me, PLEASE?!!!

I am so glad that I am not working on Monday when I have to go in again. So far I haven't had to worry about that. That is a big part of the stress of all this! (Among dealing with stupid people!)

I keep going back and forth over whether to do timed intercourse or IUI. In many ways, I want this to be as natural as possible. We said we would do the least interventions first. Plus we haven't actually seen if it works when I actually ovulate. But then I think of my tipped uterus and how the whole team keeps referring to my "IUI cycle" and I have to remind them that it's timed intercourse. "OK, yeah" is the response I get as they study their computer screens and not me. It would increase my chances they have told me. And what if I didn't get pregnant? Would I be saying maybe it would have happened if I did IUI? I know I would be saying that. I also hate to put JJ through that also. It just stinks. He would have to miss work, and do what he needs to do-yuck. But I know he would do it for our family.

Ugh! Don't know what to do!

CD 3, Bravelle day #1

Today I had my baseline ultrasound and labs, and everything looks like it's a go. The nurse asked if I had the consents with me and I totally forgot about it. The problem is we both have to be there for them to witness us signing them, so coordinating that was becoming difficult. Then eventually I forgot about them. Then she said I can't start until we get those signed. I had a little freak out in the office. Another setback??!!

Then I realized JJ was working close to the office today. He hasn't worked in that area for awhile, so the chances of that happening were slim. So I called him, and he happened to be driving very close to the office. He was able to stop by and sign with me within about 10 minutes of calling him! If that isn't God, I don't know what is!

The other thing that we praised God for was that I finally had no balance at the office. I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime for insurance to pay them, and it was becoming embarrassing every time I was there saying that they should be paying any time now. Other than dealing with infertility, dealing with this insurance thing has been the most stressful thing I have had to deal with.

So I injected myself this evening for the first time. Luckily it was a small needle, so the poke was not bad at all. It did sting when it went in, and I can tell something happened there now, but it doesn't really hurt. It was weird mixing and drawing up my own medication. I am used to doing it for other patients, not me. I had to just not think about what I was doing so I could just do it really quick. I couldn't give myself time to think about it or I think I would freak out. I decided to do the injections in the room where our baby's room will be when he or she comes. I don't want it all out in the open as a constant reminder, and I want to know that room is good for something right now. I can tell the baby later what I did in that room so they could be a part of our family.

I am really hoping this will work for us. I am so ready for it to happen. Next month marks 3 years of trying for a baby for us. Not a good anniversary, but hopefully we can get some good news next month, instead of thinking about what October means for us. I still trust in you Lord; I know you can do it!

Really?

Has it really come to this? Do I really need to inject myself with drugs to get pregnant? I think I am still in shock. I am still surprised that it takes all of this to get a baby. I had a feeling it might take a little more effort than most, but this is ridiculous. I wonder what these powerful meds will do to my body. As a nurse, I see side effects from meds all the time. I even give more meds to help with the side effects of them. How will this effect me? Clomid was hard this time around. I really felt not good. I am hoping I feel much better on these than that last round of Clomid. I am not expecting I will feel like myself, but no more headaches please. Those were not fun. Oh God make this work-it's in your hands, I trust in you.

Restart

Back from our mini break. It was nice to just focus on JJ and his family, and not have to think about anything IF related. It was great. We did have our phone consultation with Dr. RE on Friday morning. It went well. She asked how I felt on the Clomid and I told her how I felt like crap. (I am still wondering why she asked this.) Then she said, take a pregnancy test, if negative, start Provera to get your period and then we will do injectables. She said she is sure I will ovulate, but is concerned about me overstimming. It was great to hear her confidence that it will work. She kept talking about how we don't want triplets, and I reassured her that we don't want that either. Twins, OK. Triplets, no. It's not fair to the babies, and the chances of me having to do bedrest and all that is greater, and I can't afford that in many ways. It also means time in NICU which I definitely don't want.

So I start the Provera tomorrow after the test, which I would be shocked if it were BFP. Then I call and get more instructions. To the future!

Cancelled

I drove all the way in stop and go traffic to hear, "Why are you here, Dr. RE cancelled your cycle." WHAT?! I was in shock. I couldn't even speak. I was excited to see what kind of growth I had and bam! Got punched in the gut. NO ONE CALLED ME!!!!! I felt like screaming and crying at the same time. The nurse just sat there reading off what the doctor put in the computer--I don't care what that screen says, NO ONE CALLED ME. I said, "That sucks I drove all the way down here for nothing." And that comment finally garnered an apology. Then the thoughts of all I went through to stay with this office came, then I just got really angry. I miss MY doctor and nurse. The nurse got transferred to another office and my doctor is on maternity leave, of all things.

I guess the growth they saw was not fast enough (why does that matter, I don't know) and my estrogen dropped, which signals the ovaries pooping out. "So you are cancelled." (Please stop saying that word.) All the headaches, cramps, and sharp pain were for nothing. I am so nervous about what the injectables are going to make me feel like.

So she said Dr. RE wants a consult with me this week because you are cancelled. (There it is again.) Sorry, going on vacation. I have an appointment next week. As she was writing "CANCELLED" across my paperwork, whiting out US and labs, she said, "Dr. RE said she wants it this week because she just cancelled you." There's that punch in the gut feeling again. It sank in now. I wanted to break down and cry right then and there. Then I said well, she is going to have to call me because I am going to Minnesota. Then she said, "Oh, it's going to be cold!" Thanks for that. Thanks for adding insult to injury. Don't you dare ruin my vacation too! YOU SUCK as a nurse! Where is your compassion?

I left the office and went into the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I have never done that before, but I closed the door and let it all out. I had to. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't. All the disappointment, anger, and frustration ended up on the yards of toilet paper I used to gather my tears and snot.

I am looking forward to the phone consultation on Friday. She certainly is going to hear what happened. Hoping that we can communicate well and figure out the next step. I am done fooling around, let's get to it. It's time.