CD 14 Follie Check

The follies have not grown. My lining grew a little. Big whoop, I think this cycle is a no-go. The nurse called and gave me the news, and told me to stop taking the estrogen. My ovaries are huge, and have more follicles, but they are small ones and numerous, and she explained that might be why I am having pain. And that means no exercising. I hope I don't gain any more weight! I will do a final check on Thursday just to make sure things still aren't growing, then on to injectables next cycle.

I really am disappointed. I had really high hopes for this to work this time. I don't know why, Clomid hasn't done it for me in the past. It is just a lot to go through between the meds, hormones, hormone side effects (I have been crying at everything), and trying to coordinate work with follie checks. And now more waiting to do it all again! UHGG! Why does God test us in the areas we are the most terrible at? I am an inpatient person, so this waiting stuff gets on my nerves! Oh Lord, teach me to be more patient (but can you teach me the easy way?)

CD 11, Follie and Hormone Check

I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking what if they don't see anything? What if they see a lot of follies? Basically I am freaked about it not working this first time around. I am freaked that this is going to drag on and on and I am going to have no hair left from pulling it out!

So we went in and did the ultrasound and they saw 2 follicles, at size 8 and 9. LITTLE guys. Darn! I was really hoping for a little more than that, especially taking 150 mg of Clomid. But I kept telling myself, "Hey, it's only day 11. They will grow (hopefully)." Then I got my bloodwork and waited for the phone call. They called me at 3:55 pm and I couldn't answer the phone until 3:59 pm. The message went a little something like this,"Hi, this is nurse so and so, and Dr. RE wants you to start taking estridiol tablets tonight and over the weekend because your lining is thin. I need the number to your pharmacy. Please call me before 4pm, that is when we close, and we aren't open on weekends." WHAT?!!! It's Friday! I happen to be driving down the road going away from the office. I call the office, of course it goes to voicemail. I am thinking OMG, this cycle is going to be gone-ruined! I try to call again and the message says "Sorry we are closed." OMG! I whipped the car around and thought maybe I could catch them before they leave the office. As I am speeding through a work zone, I am thinking, " This is exactly the stuff that I wanted to avoid. I wanted to stay sane through this!" As I pulled into the complex I saw half the staff pulling out. OMG! I ran to the office and it was lights off and locked. What am I going to do? Then I thought, I don't care, I am paging the doctor, I am calling the answering service. Surely she is still in the office, it just closed 10 minutes ago! So I called, and of course they put me on hold for what seemed like ages and they were able to patch me through to the office after much begging.

I will certainly be talking to them in person about calling someone 5 minutes before they close and telling them they need to get a hold of you because you need to take a medication. They knew my lining was thin this morning and you are calling me now? On top of that, my original Dr. RE is on maternity leave of all things until October and my nurse I have been working with is changing to another office. Great-all new people to work with now. That stinks! Oh please follies grow so I don't have to go through this junk for long!

CD3-Ready, Set, GO!

I am excited for the future. I had my US yesterday along with bloodwork. The nurse said my US looks good (glad the surgery took!) and she expects my labs will be OK to start. I started Clomid today. She feels pretty sure I will have to do the Ovidrel injection too. Then progesterone (I am hoping it isn't PIO but the suppositories.) Of course I am working when my next appointment needs to be, so I am praying I find someone to switch days with me.

My sister so generously has offered to let me use her baby equipment. That is really going to help out-that stuff can be expensive. I have already brought some of it home as a step of faith. I know we will have children, it's just the when and how that is in question. I would hate for that stuff to just sit there for a long time. I know I don't want to look at it for that long, that's for sure. I still struggle with looking at the baby stuff in the stores, even though I have faith it will happen. I find myself wanting to look, but when it happens to be there, I turn my head. I think I am afraid of the emotions I may feel. I am tired of those, and they are hard to face-it can be exhausting. It's easier just to avoid it. I often wonder if, when I know for sure a baby is coming, whether I will still have those feelings, or will it go away immediately. I have a feeling it might take some time. Can't wait for it though, really can't wait!

And so it begins...

Praise God, insurance is paying for everything! (As they should!) I can continue to see Dr. RE. The wait is over. What a relief! Monday I have an ultrasound (I think by the time this is all over I will have had hundreds of those!) and blood tests. Then I start Clomid and possibly Ovidrel. I am hoping and praying that it takes the first time. No overstim, no understim, no multiples! I wouldn't mind twins so much, but triplets would be really hard. It's not fair the the babies-they definitely would be premature and the stress of that would be hard. Plus I know it would be hard at work, and I really want to work right up to delivery so I can spend the most time with them after. It would really stink to waste my maternity time on bedrest before they come.

I found out if it works this round, I will be due around Mother's Day! It would be so wonderful to deliver on Mother's Day. My husband was born on Mother's Day too. (He may have to share a birthday!) What a wonderful gift to get on that day-our heart's desire! I also would love the fact that I wouldn't be major pregnant in the Chicago summer heat-I would miss it completely. Love that thought!

I just can't wait for it all. I can't wait to tell the good news of what God has done in our lives!

Hope Endures!

Since this big debacle with insurance not paying, it has been an emotional roller coaster. The waiting has been the worst part of it I think. But I recently have been getting some paperwork from them saying they have paid the doctor. Now I just need them to pay the hospital for my surgery, and we are golden! ( That is the biggest expense.)

Either way, with the insurance change, I will be able to stay with my doctor. It would have broken my heart to switch. Just the paperwork alone to start with a new doctor would have been ridiculous. The new insurance begins August 1, which means I could be taking the meds and start monitoring in a few weeks!!! I am totally excited about that. The meds have just been sitting in the fridge torturing me because I was working out this whole thing.

This was a major bump in the road to motherhood, and I have often wondered if God heard me-if He was in tune with what I was going through. I stopped today to think about it, and I realized He has given me signs that He has been there with me (that He is there for me.) Things like a sermon I listened to, encouragement and hugs from family and friends, reminders of His promise to us for children (however that may happen.) When His people were in the desert, He gave them daily provision in the form of manna and quail, and that was a daily miracle! But they were still in the desert, He allowed them to experience the desert. Do I ever feel like I am in a desert! I hope I am learning in it though, that my character is being exercised, and that it is growing. I hope that I don't become that "bitter infertle" I so often read and listen to. Do I understand the rants? YOU BETCHA (read some of my older posts)! But I can't let this change me for the worse. 

I want to be the person going through infertility who wants to invest in the children in her life currently, who can be excited for a friend who is pregnant or who just had a baby. Sometimes it's hard, I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the last thing I want to happen is let these years pass me by and regret what kind of person I was. And I know God will still be with me no matter what.

Anxiety-Go Away!

I am trying to figure out how do deal with stress. I keep reading about how IF is considered one of the most stressful things to go through, but I don't want to believe it, or I don't want it to "get" me. If it "gets" me, then I am not strong, and if I'm not strong, it may beat me. That's how I feel-beat up. But I can't figure out how to deal with it. I don't feel particularly overwhelmed all the time, but my body is certainly giving me other signs. The biggest one being that my sleep is just almost worthless lately. I actually physically jerk all night long. I fear that I will have to add another medication to the list (besides the stupid Ambien I already take). I have been trying to avoid that because hopefully I will be pregnant soon, and the less meds, the better (none would be great). I wonder though, if this "sleeping disorder" I have been diagnosed with is part of the anxiety disorder I have been trying to deal with. I know a lot of PCOS-ers deal with that.

I think I may be in some denial about the anxiety I feel, thinking that if I do x,y,z, then it will be better. Or maybe if I switch up the order I do things, or maybe I have to do them all that day at a certain time of the day. Then I wonder is worrying about that going to make me insane?!! Or cause me to have more anxiety? OH MY GOSH!

I have been wondering if the increased problems lately have been from this whole insurance debacle. But lately I have been receiving things hinting towards a good outcome, so you think that I would be less stressed about it. But it has caused us to wait even longer to start with the meds and monitoring. Can waiting make you stressed? I think unfulfilled dreams can. I think knowing you are destined for something and feeling like it's late in coming can. I need an intervention! I need a miracle.

Changes

I recently found out that my insurance is changing. I temporarily freaked out, because I thought the worst-now I definitely have to change doctors. I have to catch myself and remind myself to think of the possible positives first! So I thought, until you find out information, there is no sense in thinking anything. But it was on my mind all weekend. 

I just sent an appeal letter to my current insurance company regarding payment for my currently RE. I tried to go at it from an emotional as well as a right down to business point-the point that they messed up. I can only hope that it works. It is currently my only hope in the matter.

Today I called to see if my current RE will be "in network" in my new insurance, and they assured me that she is. Great! Now if only I can believe them. This is the problem I ran into last time. I do find it reassuring that so far they say she is, now I have to get my new card and check it against the internet site to see what it says. But the crazy thing is, they can say that, and turn around and say later that she isn't and then you are in a battle. I think that's what they want, is a battle and they hope you get battle weary. Believe me, if it wasn't so much money, I think I would get battle weary. I often think it might be easier to give up sometimes.

Now I have these medications staring at me everyday, waiting to help. I really can't wait to take them and see what happens. It is a hefty dose of Clomid (tried other doses before), then the trigger Ovidrel if needed. I needed to put them away today-shoved the Ovidrel to the back of the fridge and the Clomid in a closet. It seems like a tease right now, especially knowing I have to wait even longer now. Gosh, I think that is the hardest part, the waiting and the not knowing. Not knowing if this is going to work, and if it doesn't, what is the next step? Can I deal with needing to go the next step? Do I want to?