Saying Goodbye

I am so glad that I started a blog a year and a half ago. I debated it for a while then jumped in. It was the best thing I have ever done to help me get through the hardest years of my life. The support I received from people whom I didn't even know awe struck me and left me in tears at times. It felt so wonderful. I will never forget it.
And it was so great to see the ups and downs of others going through the same challenges. It felt good to encourage those who had yet another failed cycle and to rejoice with rising betas!
Since my miracle was born my life has centered around him, and finding the time to blog is next to impossible. I have decided to stop blogging for now. I will miss you all much and maybe I will start it up again as I can.
Please know I still am praying for those of you who still desire a baby. I am so grateful for my miracle and desperately hope you can experience the same joy that I have with my son.
God bless you!

Baby Update

I know it's been a while since my last post. It is difficult to get the time to do it these days. It seems every time I do something like eat or take a shower, he knows and fusses and cries, especially lately. I hear around this time, 6 weeks, is the hardest as far as being fussy. I wouldn't say he is colicky though. I can usually calm him. Can't wait until it ends!
Despite that, it really has been wonderful being a mom. He recently started to smile, which is so rewarding. I can't wait to see his personality really come out. My days are filled with feeding, changing diapers and rocking him and I still love being a mom. I knew I would. It just feels right, like it always was. And the sick thing is despite hating being pregnant and my hard labor and delivery and the hard days of taking care of a newborn, I am already thinking of having another one. I wish I knew if conceiving would be just as hard as the first time. I would probably start a little earlier, knowing it might take some time to happen. I had to talk with the OB about birth control at my appointment, and it was so weird to think about it. It hasn't been on my mind for years now.
She gave me the OK to start dieting, but she said to take it easy. So I am laying off all the extra junk. It is hard since my appetite is huge while I am breastfeeding. I am also walking almost daily with Jaden, he loves it outside and the exercise is good for me. I am feeling stronger now which is great. I hope I can lose this extra baby weight soon. I don't like it!

He's Here Finally!

Sorry for not posting lately, life has different priorities recently! Let me share my birth story and gush about my cute little boy! Born July 28 at 1:17 am. 10 lbs 9 oz, 20.5 inches.

The week before the real labor, I went into labor 5 times and it stopped. Why, I am not sure, maybe because he was a large baby. Towards the end I had to stop working because I kept going into labor and I was in too much pain after work (now I know it was because he was a big boy!) It got so frustrating, the last couple times it started, I cried because it was just hard to think of going into labor for several hours and have it come to nothing.
The day we went to the hospital, it started like it always did, and my husband almost went to work because I have had so many false alarms and he had lost so many hours at work, and being self employed, that's lost money. Almost right after we made the decision for him to go to work, the labor really got intense. We still didn't believe it was the real thing but they got intense enough that I needed him to stay and help me through it whether it was real or not. Eventually they were very intense and regular enough that it brought us to the hospital. Our doula met us there after we got there. They continued to stay intense and regular and were getting worse and after several hours we were finally convinced it was the real thing. I labored naturally without any medications for pain. I used tools we learned to manage the pain and I even got in the shower, which felt awesome.
I got to the point of where I wasn't dilating anymore past 6 cm and we decided to let the MD break my water to move things along. I was told by the RN that my contractions would space out but be more intense (which was hard to believe it could get worse!) I was contracting every 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Well once the water was broken they didn't space out, but they did get WAY more increasingly intense. I have never felt pain like that before. But I was determined to have this baby naturally, for my son's sake.
Towards the time where it was time to push, I finally thought I couldn't take the pain anymore. The tools I was using wasn't working and I couldn't get on top of the pain anymore. I begged for something to help me through the contractions. My doula was so reassuring, telling me I was handed a hard labor and it's OK, but let's check and see how far along I am. The RN agreed I should do that too and she checked me and I was 9.5 cm! I couldn't believe it, it seemed to happen pretty quick. She asked me to push and see if the last of the cervix would go away and it did. So we got serious with pushing.
Little did I know he was coming down sideways and how big he was. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and the last hour of pushing, he wasn't budging. I was so exhausted and in so much pain. The doctor came in and tried to get the baby to come down, but he wasn't moving, and she said that I needed a C-section. That was really hard to hear. I was angry but relieved at the same time. It was a solution, it was an end in sight. After the decision was made, it was a weird place to be in. My body was still giving very strong contractions and the urge to push did not go away. So I kept pushing, even though I knew it wouldn't lead to anything. They finally wheeled me into the OR and I had to continue to push while they started a new IV, because the other wasn't working. That was really hard. I couldn't wait for the spinal, and to get some relief. Finally it was in and my body finally was relaxed, and I was able to open my eyes and let it sink in that I am in the OR having a C-section. But I was mostly just excited to know that I will meet my beautiful boy in a matter of minutes. They let JJ in and I was able to be with him and share the excitement.
Then I heard a collective "WOW!" and "he's a toddler! What a big baby!" The doctor said there is no way I would have been able to push him out. And looking at his head, it was true. You could tell by the swelling and bruising of his head that was on the side of his head that between him not coming down straight on and his size he wasn't going to come out vaginally.
It has been a long, hard recovery and I am realizing that it is going to take awhile to heal completely. I am sore from pushing, and from the incision and the fact that I pushed him down so far means I have some vaginal pain too (the doctor actually had to push him back up to get him out!).
I am also mourning the fact that I didn't have my ideal birth. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that we did all that preparing and I did all that painful laboring for nothing. I wish I knew what the outcome was going to be, it would have been so much easier! I am still proud of the fact that I did what I wanted to do for my son. And in the end he didn't get exposed to as many drugs as he would have if I had gotten an epidural. But going through all that, I can honestly say (and told my doctor this too) that I will never do that again. I think it will be repeat C-section for me if God blesses us with another baby. That was traumatic and I never want to go through it again, knowing the chances of me having a hard labor with a big baby is great.
In the end, I am totally in love with our little one. He is very cute and is a good baby. He looks so much like my husband (which is reassuring since I was having bad dreams they used the wrong sperm!) There are many times I hold my son and it hits me--I am a mom now, my dreams have come true. God has blessed us, and all of that waiting was very worth it. I am so grateful, it is overwhelming. We have named him Jaden, meaning "God has heard, thankfulness to God". He will be dedicated to Him Aug. 29. We pray he does mighty things for God. He is so good!

Pain

It is 3:30 AM and I am awake, blowing my nose (I have a cold!) and having pain in what seems like everywhere. I now know what it must be like to have arthritis. My joints ache, especially my hips, back and wrists and fingers. (And now I have carpel tunnel that makes my hands go numb!) I dread getting up from anywhere because I know it's going to hurt, especially in the middle of the night. Tylenol only goes so far, unfortunately. I am praying this baby comes tomorrow because it's just getting worse, and I'm not sure that I can stand it much longer.
Yesterday I called my boss to let her know that I was going to take maternity leave starting today. Last time I worked I was in so much pain when I got home and was exhausted. My last OB checkup revealed I was already 5 cm dilated. Between work being miserable and being so close to delivery, I figured it might be best to stop working. I don't want to go into labor at work or after when I am exhausted. This will not make for a good labor and delivery.
It's nice to know that I am dilated this far. I knew those bouts of false labor (3 total so far!) were doing something. I am already halfway there. This makes me happy and a little scared he is going to come too quick, like at home or something. I have been reassured this won't happen, but they can't know that for sure. I'm not sure I will believe I'm in true labor until he is coming out!
I just want this kid out now! It's amazing how much a baby takes over your body, and I want it back!

False Hope

Yesterday I believed I was in early labor. That is what I was told, and what the signs said. But it left, fizzled out, stopped. I am so disappointed! I am so ready to have this kid. I have been having a really hard time being comfortable at night when I am trying to sleep and just a lot of pain in my joints (I think because of the extra water).
I didn't sleep very good the night before. And on Sunday I just wasn't feeling quite myself and was feeling a little extra pressure "down there". After church we went to lunch and I had some spicy buffalo wings (in hopes of bringing on labor in fact!) As lunch went on I got more uncomfortable with more pressure. As we walked to the car, I almost felt like he was going to fall out and (TMI!) like I had to have a huge BM! We were about halfway home when I got so uncomfortable I didn't want to sit anymore and the pressure just kept on building. I called a friend, and she thought I might be starting into labor.
When we got home within about a half hour I started contracting and then they became regular and pretty quick in coming. We started timing them and were shocked to find them about 2 minutes apart. They hadn't really been painful, so that was making me confused as to what it was. I called my doula and she was equally puzzled. She suggested that I try to nap, so I laid down and tried, but I was unable to snooze. They slowed a bit and became irregular when I laid down initially, but returned to every 2 minutes after about 20 minutes. So at that point I was convinced this was the real thing. I called my doctor to get her thoughts on what to do and what she thought it was and she believed me to be in early labor, but wanted me to stay home until the contractions got really painful. That never really happened. I did start to have some vaginal and back pain, but it never got very painful where I couldn't walk through them or anything. All the while I was trying to get some sleep, which wasn't really happening.
Eventually I was able to fall asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I realized that the contractions were much less intense and not coming regularly anymore. I was unable to sleep anymore after that timing them again and trying to figure out what was happening. After a while they just fizzled out, almost stopping completely.
I was so shocked that this didn't turn into real labor. I am disappointed and embarrassed. We called so many people, and now we are all disappointed. My mood today has been pretty depressed, but I am working through it and feeling better already. I have to remind myself of my prayer that the baby comes when he is ready. I just know that I am ready for sure. It's just hard to come down off that high of possibly meeting our little one soon!
I go to the doctor tomorrow and we will see if this fiasco made anymore cervical change, which I am hoping all that work did something! And if so, will lead to a shorter labor when the real thing comes!

Signs

Lately I have had some signs that this baby is coming soon, and it's freaking me out! We aren't ready! Everyone told me I would probably go late because it was my first, and that is what they typically do. But just this past week, I have "dropped", I am 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced, and yesterday I think I lost my mucus plug (I hate that word-sounds so yuck, which it was!) I think this means that I am dilating more!

The problem is JJ and I haven't finished our birthing/coaching book (he's been out of town a lot lately) and unfortunately our doula we hired lost her husband unexpectedly last week. So I'm not sure where that leaves us with her. I would really like her to still attend our birth, but I'm not sure where she stands on that, and I want to be sensitive to her situation, but this weighs heavily on my mind. If I knew he wasn't going to come for another few weeks, I would be more chill about it, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I packed my bag (as much as I could) this evening after I lost the plug. I figured it might be smart to do that! We also did more work in our Bradley Method Childbirth book. We are almost done! We just need to practice more too. If this baby could just hold on for another 2 weeks or so, I would be happy and feel a lot more prepared. We will see!

Our Promise Child

As this pregnancy is coming to an end, my memories of all the dreams and wishes of this wonderment are flooding my mind. JJ and I recently celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it has been that long already. It really flew by looking back. We have been through so much (half of our marriage was TTC), and we are still so totally in love, it's hard to believe sometimes.

We went to Maui on our honeymoon, which was pure heaven. I would love to go back sometime. One night we just laid on the beach together, looking at the stars and dreaming of our future together. I remember laying there looking up at the stars and praying for babies, for a family with my husband. Then I saw the most amazing shooting star go across the heavens. It sent chills down my spine. I knew it was a sign from God that it would happen. It made me cry. That has happened 2 more times in my life. I can't call that a coincidence.
There were times when I forgot about that, when I was so engrossed in how treatments weren't working, how it looked like an impossibility. I remember a time when I was convinced it actually wasn't going to happen. I took everything I had that reminded me of God's promise and literally destroyed it in a crying rage. I made it into nothing with my bare hands. Everything on the outside literal world showed me signs it wasn't going to happen, and my faith couldn't carry me that day. I lost it.

I somehow found it again and continued. And look where we are now. 35 weeks pregnant with our promise--our little boy about to enter the world. As I feel him inside me, it is still hard to believe sometimes. GOD IS SO GOOD! I hated hearing "All in God's timing". Sometimes I still hate hearing that, but it was also my prayer, as hard as it was praying it. I wanted him to come when he was supposed to come in history. I am praying he is a strong man of God and that he continues to be a fulfillment of prophesy and promise in his life. I can't wait to see him and hold him and talk to him and be with him. It will be a dream come true.